Lindsay Lohan was spotted in New York with her nipples poking through her shirt and carrying around the book A Practical Handbook for the Boyfriend: For Every Guy Who Wants to Be One for Every Girl Who Wants to Build One. Although it could’ve been The Cat in the Hat and she probably wouldn’t have noticed. “Lindsay, dear, that’s the wrong book.” Then she’d respond, “What are you talking about? It says right here on the cover: blabbidy blobbidy.” Then everybody would give each other concerned looks as Lindsay stared furiously at the cover, desperately trying to figure out the word ‘cat’.

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Jessica Simpson attended the MET Costume Institute Benefit Gala earlier this week, and as she was leaving her hotel for the event she got into the wrong car. And not only does she not realize it, she even tries to defend herself by saying that’s the car that’s been driving her around all day. How does she even function? All the furniture in her home probably has mouth-sized holes in them because Jessica Simpson can’t figure out what’s food.

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49-year-old Melanie Griffith was spotted shopping in Malibu looking like she just turned 112. I’m not normally a fan of surgery, but if your knees look like this then get it. And get a lot of it. Hell, amputate if you need to. You’ve got a serious problem if people look at you and can’t even tell if you’re human anymore.

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I have no idea who Amanda Harrington is, but she’s famous enough for the paparazzi and looks pretty decent in a bikini, so that’s good enough for me. According to the internet, she’s some sort of model in the UK. But that’s assuming you care. Which you don’t. Hell, I can’t even remember her name anymore, and I just typed it eight seconds ago. I think it started with a B. Blarghy? Blarghy something?

A ton more of Blarghy and her bikini after the jump.

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Jennifer Lopez has allegedly increased security because an animal-rights activist has been sending her letters threatening “‘to kill her in public, just like the slaughtered animals whose fur she wears.”

The source says J.Lo initially dismissed the notes, which have been arriving for a month, as lunatic junk mail. But husband Marc Anthony isn’t taking the matter lightly. “He has hired two off-duty police officers, in addition to her usual security team, to watch over Lopez whenever she makes public appearances,” says the pal.

What if this guy showed up one day wearing a J.Lo outfit? And I don’t mean some outfit designed by her, I mean an actual dead Jennifer Lopez turned into an outfit. I think that’d be pretty ironic. Like the time I saved the President’s life by having sex with a gang of hot cheerleader assassins until they died from exhaustion. I’m not actually sure what ‘ironic’ means, I just wanted to tell that story. That true story, I might add.

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Triniscene.com

Akon has apologized for the incident last month where he basically dry-humped a 14-year-old girl on stage. He released a statement saying he was sorry, but that he also didn’t know the girl was underage.

“I want to sincerely apologize for the embarrassment and any pain I’ve caused to the young woman who joined me onstage, her family and the Trinidad community for the events at my concert. It was never my intention to embarrass or take advantage of my fans in any way, especially those under the age of 18. That is why we tried to make sure that the club did not admit anyone under 18 in the audience. Somehow, that standard was not met.”

In Akon’s defense, there’s no way anybody would’ve guessed this chick was underage. Who the hell would let their 14-year-old daughter go to a concert dressed like this? The Incredible Hulk would make a better parent.

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