In non-Paris Hilton related news, Christina Aguilera and Jordan Bratman stopped by a maternity center yesterday, fueling rumors that Christina is pregnant. TMZ reports they stopped by New York’s Maternal Fetal Medicine Association, known for their expertise in high-risk pregnancies and state-of-the-art ultrasounds.

Notice that Christina Aguilera is covering up her stomach in every single shot here. Also notice that she looks pissed as hell. Which doesn’t make any sense, because the father of her baby is so incredibly good looking. Oh, no, wait, that’s a mirror. Man, look at him. They’ll be lucky if this kid isn’t born with hamburger meat for a face. Or isn’t a damn Mr. Potato Head.

Original post by Suzi

Paris Hilton is currently being checked into the Twin Towers Correctional Facility, the same place she checked herself into Sunday night after the MTV Movie Awards. And that means pretty soon she’ll be in for another strip search. If the family of the prison guards don’t hear back from them anytime soon, don’t worry, they’re probably just lost somewhere in her vagina. I heard it took Lewis and Clark eight months to find their way out of there.

UPDATE: TMZ reports that instead of being transported to the Century Regional Detention Facility, Paris Hilton will spend the weekend in the medical ward of the Twin Towers Correctional Facility while her lawyers file an appeal. Her lawyers are filing a writ of habeas corpus, claiming her body is being held illegally. Which is about the only way anybody would ever want to hold her body. Zing!

Original post by Suzi

Paris Hilton has been ordered back to jail in Lynwood and will serve out her 23 day sentence with a credit for the 5 days she’s already served. Reporters say she was crying through the entire process and, when Judge Michael Sauer gave his decision, she let out a huge cry and said, “This isn’t right.” She was then physically dragged out of the courtroom by a female deputy, in tears, screaming, “Mom, Mom, Mom.”

Some witnesses say they saw a rainbow above the courtroom. And others say they saw a giant man in the clouds with a white beard nodding his head approvingly. And me? Well I saw Judge Michael Sauer grow to be twelve feet tall, with muscles the size of tree trunks. And when he smiled, little cartoon hearts appeared above my head and there was a strange tingling sensation in my pants.

NOTE: I officially nominate Judge Michael Sauer for President of the Entire Universe.

EDIT: There’s conflicting reports about her sentence. She either has to serve out her reduced 23 days or her original 45 days depending on who you’re hearing it from.

Original post by Suzi

Mila Kunis, the chick from That 70’s Show, was spotted wearing short shorts in Hawaii while filming Forgetting Sarah Marshall. And I’m not a doctor by any stretch of the imagination (except that I am a doctor) but shouldn’t her shorts be filled with something? Like with, say, a pair of buttocks? I mean she’s cute and all, but this plank of wood I found in the dumpster has a bigger ass than her. I read somewhere that they use her butt to calibrate rulers.

Original post by Suzi

The Los Angeles City Attorney filed a motion yesterday demanding a hearing before Judge Michael Sauer to determine why the Sheriff’s Department allowed Paris Hilton to get out of jail when the judge had expressly ordered her to serve out her entire sentence. She was scheduled to appear in court today at 9 AM, but, of course, has been allowed to appear via phone instead. At this moment there’s a war going on in the courtroom between Paris’ lawyer, the City Attorney, and the Sheriff’s Dept.

And in case you were wondering, this is what it looks like outside Paris Hilton’s home right now. There’s at least five news choppers circling and an armada of paparazzi on the street. Because, really, this is the most important thing that has ever happened in the history of the universe. George Washington could come back from the dead and he’d just end up getting trampled to death by a group of photographers trying to get to Paris’ house.

Source

Original post by Suzi

The Los Angeles City Attorney filed a motion yesterday demanding a hearing before Judge Michael Sauer to determine why the Sheriff’s Department allowed Paris Hilton to get out of jail when the judge had expressly ordered her to serve out her entire sentence. Paris was scheduled to appear in court today at 9 AM, but, of course, has been allowed to appear via phone instead. TMZ reports that at this moment there’s a war going on in the courtroom between Paris’ lawyer, the City Attorney, and the Sheriff’s Dept.

And in case you were wondering, this is what it looks like outside Paris Hilton’s home right now. There’s at least five news choppers circling and an armada of paparazzi on the street. Because, really, this is the most important thing that has ever happened in the history of time. George Washington could come back from the dead and he’d just end up getting trampled to death by all the news people trying to get to Paris’ house.

UPDATE: Judge Michael T. Sauer has ordered that Paris Hilton appear in person for the hearing and has sent a Los Angeles County Sheriff’s vehicle to pick her up.

Original post by Suzi

Paula Abdul’s new reality show on Bravo, “Hey Paula,” is apparently full of her acting like a spoiled brat and saying ridiculous things like: “I’m tired of people not treating me like the gift that I am.” Gatecrasher reports:

In the first episode, set to air June 28, the “American Idol” judge appears addled after the 2007 Grammy Awards. She stumbles on the street and giggles in the back of her limo (”I crack myself up!”) before her mood darkens and she berates two assistants for not bringing her sweat pants to change into for a flight … “The way I’ve been treated is [like] a piece of dog s—,” she complains in another typical outburst.

It’s always kind of amazing to see Paula is even capable of speech. Every time she tries to say something it looks like an epic struggle with her face. I was expecting her show to be an hour of her sitting around barely conscious and drooling, so she’s already exceeded my expectations.

Original post by Suzi