The West Hollywood mayor’s office is investigating the parking enforcement officers who allegedly asked Vida Guerra for nude pics of herself in exchange for not giving her a ticket. And apparently Vida wasn’t the only one who got hit by these two. TMZ says:

After two starstruck parking cops bragged that they had nailed Hayden Panettiere a few days before, the serial celebrity citationers swooped in on Vida’s white Range Rover and planted a ticket on her windshield. When the cheeky chick got back to her ride, she told our photog that the parking officer made one thing clear — if she forked over some naked pics of herself, she would get off.

Okay, so two brainiacs are abusing the legal system. Yeah, it’s terrible. They should be fired blah blah blah. The real travesty here is that nude photos of Hayden Panettiere will only get you out of a parking ticket! C’mon! Is it because she’s not 18, yet? That I can understand. But when she turns 18 tomorrow she should be allowed to shoot the President as long as she leaves a saucy pic behind. Otherwise are we really living in a free country or is this Communist Russia?

Original post by Suzi

Atlanta Falcons quarterback and super asshole Michael Vick accepted a plea deal and prison sentence today after pleading guilty to illegal dogfighting. The offense is punishable by up to five years in prison and a $250,000 fine. Michael Vick’s attorney announced in a statement today:

“After consulting with his family over the weekend, Michael Vick asked that I announce today that he has reached an agreement with federal prosecutors regarding the charges pending against him. Mr. Vick has agreed to enter a plea of guilty to those charges and to accept full responsibility for his actions and the mistakes he has made. Michael wishes to apologize again to everyone who has been hurt by this matter.”

Three of Vick’s original co-defendants have already pleaded guilty and agreed to testify against him if the case goes to trial, saying Vick also participated in executing at least eight under-performing dogs by various means, including drowning and hanging. Wow, this guy drowned and hung defenseless dogs. What a real big man. This must be the kind of person comic book superheroes are based off of. I’m not a law expert, but I’m pretty sure the only fair sentence here is to throw him in a volcano.

Original post by Suzi

Kimberly Stewart was spotted running around in a bikini looking really gross, but also hot, but also really really gross. I’m not a doctor (just kidding, yes I am) but I’m pretty sure an ass isn’t supposed to look like this. Actually, I’m pretty sure nothing is supposed to like this. Doesn’t nature have laws against it? In olden times they would’ve put her in a cage and drowned her. Not for any particular reason but, you know, because she’s a woman. That’s kind of what they did back then.

Original post by Suzi

This is kind of old news and I wasn’t sure it was worth mentioning, but Dina and Michael Lohan have reached an agreement on their divorce settlement. Us reports:

Though the terms of the agreement were not disclosed, state Supreme Court Justice Robert A. Ross reportedly told the Lohans, ‘You have both demonstrated to me extraordinarily good judgment in resolving this matter as you did.’ Despite today’s events, the Lohans will be in family court on Sept. 6 to determine a custody and visitation agreement for their underage children, 13-year-old Aliana and 11-year-old Dakota.

Granted, Michael Lohan has been in jail for the past two years on DUI and assault charges, the custody battle will be a tough call for any judge. How does one choose between Dina Lohan and an ex-con? During the trial Dina will refer to the younger children as “Lindsay Jr.” and “Mommy’s Little Coke-mule” while Michael drunkenly fights his own chair. The judge will draw a smiley face on his gavel and award it custody of the children. People in the courtroom will applaud. Even the Lohan’s attorneys will cheer and proclaim this to be the greatest judgment in the history of law. A small, wooden hammer instead of our own clients, they’ll say. How do you beat that?

Original post by Suzi

I’m sure somebody somewhere is interested in shots of Michelle Rodriguez in her bikini, I just sort of assumed they were too busy sitting alone in their bedroom hitting their balls with a hammer and sobbing. Although honestly she doesn’t even look that terrible here. It probably helps that I was expecting her entire body to be covered in hair. You know, like Big Foot, but with an uglier face.

Original post by Suzi

Her movie career isn’t going so great, but insiders say Lindsay Lohan is set to revive her music career and is letting Universal Music execs know she’s ready to do the third album she owes them. Rush & Molloy report:

Lindsay is certainly less of a gamble as a singer. “A record by Lindsay Lohan costs almost nothing to make,” says one exec. “She doesn’t need a big band. You just give her some songs and session musicians. And, God knows, she already has name recognition.” But lately, relations between Mottola and Lohan are said to have cooled. (He didn’t return our calls.) And others at Universal Music are approaching her cautiously. “As much as she wants to make another album,” says one insider, “the feeling is she needs to get herself cleaned up. Then we can talk about it.”

She had two albums? Really? I knew she had one out there, but did anybody know she had a second? And now they’re giving her a third? I should sue the music industry for being giant ass clowns. When the judge asks me to present my case I’ll show them this story as Exhibit A. Then everybody will gasp, the judge will award me millions of dollars (because I deserve it) and then the mayor will give me the key to the city. Based on my extensive research watching TV, that’s usually how court cases go.

Original post by Suzi

People Magazine is reporting that Nicole Richie and Joel Madden are engaged. Hot 99.5 morning show deejay Kane had the inside scoop on Friday:

‘We heard this morning,’ Kane told People following Good Charlotte’s 40-minute set. Crediting he got the word from ‘good sources.’
‘They’re very excited about the baby and the wedding. They want to keep their personal life personal,’ he added.

So, the two are keeping mum about the pending nuptials. I’ll assume out of shame. Who’d admit to marrying Joel Madden or Nicole Richie? They probably wake up in the morning, look at each other, and sob uncontrollably. I bet the kid will pop out, scope out his parents, then ask to be switched at birth – with anything. The Coke machine in the lobby will do the trick. You wouldn’t even have to explain to Nicole why her child is a bottle of cola. She’d just punt the thing and say “Thanks for keeping me out of jail, soda-baby!”

Original post by Suzi