I took a survey of the leading causes that make grown men cry, and Jessica Alba’s ass came in at number one, right above a lemon being squeezed into your eye. I don’t even know why anymore. I mean she’s hot, but she’s not that hot. For some reason the idea of Jessica Alba has become infinitely hotter than Jessica Alba herself. She’s like a legend now, and tales of her hotness have surpassed her actual hotness. When they talk about her in the future it won’t even be her anymore. It’ll be tales of dragons and princesses and they’ll have to whisper her name, and every time somebody says it the entire room will go “Oooh” and “Ahhh.”

Original post by Suzi

Michael Vick has agreed to plead guilty to a felony charge for his role in managing an illegal dogfighting ring, and will formally enter his guilty plea Monday. The Smoking Gun reports:

As part of a plea deal, the Atlanta Falcons quarterback admitted that his Bad Newz Kennels operation wagered money–which he provided–in pit bull fights. However, “Vick did not gamble by placing side bets on any of the fights,” according to a “summary of the facts” that was filed today in court. That document, a copy of which you’ll find below, also notes that Vick “was aware” that three of his cohorts killed several dogs that performed poorly in test fighting sessions in mid-2002. The summary reports that “Vick did not kill any dogs at this time.” Earlier this year, Vick, and two cronies “agreed to the killing of approximately 6-8 dogs” that fared poorly in testing sessions at his Smithfield, Virginia property. Some of the animals were drowned or hanged, and Vick “stipulated” that the animals died via the “collected efforts” of himself, and codefendants Quanis Phillips and Purnell Peace. Both Phillips and Peace previously pleaded guilty to federal charges and stated that Vick participated in the execution of eight dogs last April. Vick faces a maximum of five years in prison for his conspiracy conviction.

To be fair, sometimes dogs can be really scary and the only thing to do is to kill them cruelly. One time I was walking down the street and a dog barked at me and I got really scared and I wished somebody as brave as Michael Vick was around to drown him. He’s a hero to stand up to those mean dogs!

Original post by Suzi

Wonder what Jenny McCarthy’s been up to? Of course not. But here she is anyway, vacationing in Hawaii with her boyfriend Jim Carrey. She looks pretty good for a 34-year-old, but that isn’t saying much since she’s, well, only 34. Plus she was Playboy’s 1994 Playmate of the Year. If you told me this was Rosie O’Donnell then yeah, wow, amazing. But this is like showing me a picture of myself and saying, “Dreamy.” I know. Duh.

Original post by Suzi

Amy Winehouse and her husband basically got into a fist fight last night which left them both bloodied and bruised. Apparently Amy’s husband walked in on her cutting herself and about to do drugs with a prostitute when he intervened. The Daily Mail reports:

At around 2.30am, said guests, the fight sounded like it had restarted - then Miss Winehouse was seen sprinting down the corridor to the lift, pursued by her badly bleeding husband. One guest who got into the lift to reception at the same time said they started shouting at each other. “Amy was in floods of tears. This guy was screaming at her. She was cowering in the corner and I thought he was going to hit her. When the lift door opened, she took off across the lobby at a real pace. He was chasing after her and was about five paces behind by the time she got to the main hotel entrance.”

The couple then dashed into the street. An eyewitness said: “Just after 3am, Amy came sprinting out and down the road. She was in a real state of panic. Blake was running after her, but couldn’t catch up.”

And like a good wife, Amy defends her husband, saying he was saving her life by beating her up:

“Blake is the best man in the world. We would never ever harm each other… I was cutting myself after he found me in our room about to do drugs with a call girl and rightly said I wasn’t good enough for him. I lost it and he saved my life.”

So not only did a 60 pound Amy Winehouse beat this guy up, she also outran him. Careful people, we may be dealing with the toughest man on the planet here. I hear he tames bears just by looking at them. Seriously though, this guy seems about as athletic as a grilled cheese sandwich. If you gave him a gun he’d almost be able to take on a girl scout.

Original post by Suzi

Two burglars reportedly sneaked into Kirsten Dunst’s suite at the Soho Grand Hotel after she left to go film a scene for her new movie and stole her $13,000 handbag, wallets, cash, cameras, and an iPod. And how did these master thieves manage to pull off the crime of the century? They walked in through an open door. The Post reports:

Beinerman took a guest elevator to the floor below Dunst’s suite and then took a freight elevator up to the penthouse level.

There, Beinerman allegedly walked through an open door into the penthouse and stole items belonging to Dunst and her companions, including $2,500, a Marc Jacobs purse, wallets containing IDs and credit cards, several bags - including one by Balenciaga - two digital cameras, a cellphone and an iPod, records state.

It takes balls to rob Kirsten Dunst. Big tough manly balls. Most people would be afraid that she lives under a bridge and eats first born children. But not these two. And what if they timed it wrong and she was still in the room? This would’ve been an entirely different story, about two men who jumped to their deaths after gouging out their own eyes and screaming that they’d lost the use of their genitals.

NOTE: If you’re wondering why Simon Pegg is with Kirsten Dunst, no it’s not some sort of troll outreach program for English people. They’re filming How to Lose Friends and Alienate People together.

Original post by Suzi

These are pics of the latest teen heart-throb Zac Efron leaving a juice bar and getting into his Oldsmobile. I’m not a 15-year-old girl, so this kid is completely off my radar. That being said, I do have an advanced degree in straight-male behavior which Zac Efron has demonstrated not a single iota of. See how I used the word “iota” back there? That makes my statement so full of fact it just impregnated your dad.

Original post by Suzi

While Nicole Richie was busy serving a minute in jail, Paris Hilton went baby-gift shopping for Nicole. People Magazine couldn’t resist a good shopping story and has the details:

Hilton was an equal-opportunity shopper, choosing gifts in both pink and blue. Among the items she bought was a Tuni & G Baby set (pants and T-shirt) with the text “Don’t Ya Wish Your Mommy Was Hot Like Mine” with the pants bottom saying “Don’t Ya.” She also bought Baby’s First Fashion Words book, a Baby Jar Baby Snuggler Blanket and Trumpette socks. ‘She can’t wait to hang out with the baby,’ says the source about Hilton. ‘She’s happy Nicole is healthy and thinks she looks great.’

If Paris really wanted to buy Nicole’s baby the perfect gift, I have an excellent suggestion: Buy the kid some new parents. Two normal, healthy, salt-of-the-earth folk who can teach the child to act like we’ve finally evolved beyond apes that don’t require a mountain of cocaine for breakfast. Otherwise we’re going to end up with another Macualey Culkin. Except this time around he’ll cover Good Charlotte songs and then I’ll have to shotgun my own face off.

Original post by Suzi