At the Teen Choice Awards, Jessica Alba let viewers know she’s still salty about an incident with a schoolyard crush. During her acceptance speech for the female hottie award (a staple of any good awards show) she told the audience:

“I would like to dedicate this award to a young man who has been on my mind for the last 19 years: Ross. Ross didn’t love me. I was pigeon-toed, I had a sway back, I was slightly cross-eyed, buck-toothed, I sucked my thumb. Look at me now, Ross! Look at me now! [Ross] promised that if I kissed him he would choose me for baseball … I was still chosen last. I never trusted men again.”

Whoever this Ross character is, I guarantee he’s sitting at home contemplating putting his nuts in a blender. He’ll weep and curse his childhood naivety - as he very well should. Right now he could be using Jessica’s luscious ass for a decorative end-table. But, no, Ross had to be a moron-sandwich and pick some other kid for his baseball team. Awesome. Thanks. Your sad little tale has made my genitals cry.

Original post by Suzi

Things are not looking good for Britney Spears. Larry Rudolph, Britney’s ex-manager, spoke to Ryan Seacrest this morning and said he does not want to testify in the custody hearing for fear of what he might reveal. People reports:

“He said he’s doing his best to hide from Kevin’s process server,” Ryan Seacrest, who was in contact with Rudolph over the weekend, said Monday on his KIIS-FM radio show. “He’s actually on the run. They are trying to track him down and serve him with a subpoena and they want him to appear and testify in the custody battle.” Rudolph, who was relieved of his managerial duties by Spears earlier this year, “doesn’t want to be served because he said it won’t be good for Britney,” said Seacrest. “After all they have been through he is still loyal to her, and he doesn’t want to have to go under oath and talk about certain things that might hurt her.” Regarding his whereabouts, Rudolph would only reveal is that he is with his children. Furthermore, said Seacrest, the former manager wants it publicly known that he is avoiding being served the subpoena.

Pile this on top of the child abuse investigation and it definitely looks like Kevin Federline will win custody of the children. Not that there was any doubt. Any rational person with an IQ above, I dunno, five, had this figured out. I ran into a two-year-old the other day who looked at me and said, “Britney bad mommy.” Then the kid ate a pebble.

Original post by Suzi

Britney Spears is under investigation for possible child abuse. According to TMZ:

An unscheduled hearing was held today at L.A. County Superior Court. Present — Britney’s lawyer, Dennis Wasser, K-Fed’s attorney, Mark Vincent Kaplan and a lawyer from the Los Angeles County Counsel who is assigned to the dependency court. We do not know the specifics of the allegations but we’re told the L.A. County Department of Children and Family Services is conducting an active investigation. A hearing in the custody case has been scheduled for September 4, which will be a follow up to today’s appearance.

Sadly, this had to be the easiest case to put together. All investigators had to do is follow her to McDonald’s and watch her set the kids under the French fry lamp. She usually returns to get them after a couple of days. It’s kind of cute actually. They help make the milkshakes, and fall asleep in the lap of the Ronald McDonald statue. Yeah, they might get burnt by grease every now and then, but goddamn if they aren’t safe for once. Poor little scamps.

Original post by Suzi

Owen Wilson was taken to St. John’s hospital in Santa Monica, California Sunday afternoon and the National Enquirer is claiming it was a suicide attempt. They say that he sliced his left wrist and took an overdose of pills. He was transferred from St. John’s after being stabilized to be detoxed and details are still coming out.

He was definitely hospitalized Sunday, but the National Enquirer is the only one saying it was suicide. Although for every story they write about Abraham Lincoln being a killer cyborg from the future they still manage to be right every now and then. And this one just feels right. Like the article they wrote about me breaking the world bench pressing record and then spending my free time rescuing puppies from fires. That’s just good journalism.

UPDATE: Owen Wilson has issued the following very boring statement which says absolutely nothing about whether or not he actually tried to kill himself: “I respectfully ask that the media allow me to receive care and heal in private during this difficult time.”

Original post by Suzi

NFL player Michael Vick made a statement today regarding his part in an illegal dogfighting ring, apologizing to everyone and saying that he’s found Jesus. TMZ reports:

Vick wasn’t specific about the acts he was sorry for, but declared, “Dogfighting is a terrible thing. I reject it.” Between apologies to everyone from NFL commissioner Roger Goodell to Atlanta Falcons owner Arthur Blank - to all the kids who used to look up to him, Vick declared that he’s found Jesus and has turned his life over to God. “I was ashamed and totally disappointed in myself, to say the least. I want to apologize to all the young kids out there for my immature acts. What I did was very immature, so that means I need to grow up. I totally ask for forgiveness and understanding as I move forward to be a better Michael Vick the person, not the football player.”

Clearly Michael Vick’s publicist is unaware that the whole “I found Jesus” angle might not be the best route these days. Especially considering every celebrity that finds him also happens to be a complete asshole who got drunk and then accidentally killed a guy. Besides, considering what he’s done you’d think Vick wouldn’t want God to exist. Otherwise he’ll probably end up having an unpleasant encounter with a pit bull named Snuggles by week’s end. Did I mention Snuggles is a bit of a Viagra fiend?

UPDATE: Apparently the Atlanta Falcons didn’t have the balls to cut Vick so they’re keeping him on the team. They announced in a statement: “We cannot tell you today that Michael is cut from the team. It may feel better emotionally, but it’s not in the long term best interest of our franchise.”

Original post by Suzi

NFL player Michael Vick made a statement today regarding his part in an illegal dogfighting ring, apologizing to everyone and saying that he’s found Jesus. TMZ reports:

Vick wasn’t specific about the acts he was sorry for, but declared, “Dogfighting is a terrible thing. I reject it.” Between apologies to everyone from NFL commissioner Roger Goodell to Atlanta Falcons owner Arthur Blank - to all the kids who used to look up to him, Vick declared that he’s found Jesus and has turned his life over to God. “I was ashamed and totally disappointed in myself, to say the least. I want to apologize to all the young kids out there for my immature acts. What I did was very immature, so that means I need to grow up. I totally ask for forgiveness and understanding as I move forward to be a better Michael Vick the person, not the football player.”

Clearly Michael Vick’s publicist is unaware that the whole “I found Jesus” angle might not be the best route these days. Especially considering every celebrity that finds him also happens to be a complete asshole who got drunk and then accidentally killed a guy. Besides, considering what he’s done you’d think Vick wouldn’t want God to exist. Otherwise he’ll probably end up having an unpleasant encounter with a pit bull named Snuggles by week’s end. Did I mention Snuggles is a bit of a Viagra fiend?

UPDATE: Apparently the Atlanta Falcons didn’t have the balls to cut Vick so they’re keeping him on the team. They announced in a statement: “We cannot tell you today that Michael is cut from the team. It may feel better emotionally, but it’s not in the long term best interest of our franchise.”

Original post by Suzi

Now here’s some groundbreaking news: Jessica Simpson appears to be an attractive female again. It’s nice to she’s escaped the over-tanned, Lips Manliss-from-Dick-Tracy look she had going on. Or maybe it was John Mayer that deformed her. If there’s one person that could radiate ugly, it’s that guy. Cameron Diaz should be looking like Abe Vigoda with a Gucci bag any day now.

Original post by Suzi