Here are some more pregnant bikini shots of Nicole Richie in Hawaii with Joel Madden. If you can’t figure out who’s who, Joel Madden is the asshole who’s standing there watching his pregnant girlfriend do all the work and Nicole Richie is, well, the pregnant girlfriend doing all the work. Oh, but don’t feel sorry for her. Joel’s got the hard job. He has to stand there and hold earphones and occasionally shift his weight. If he doesn’t do it then who will? I guess they could hire a guy. But for a job this important you usually can’t trust outside help.

Original post by Suzi

Somebody took some pictures of Vanessa Hudgens with her clothes on. Why someone would do that, I dunno. I guess Vanessa wanted to see what it would be like to try wearing intricately attached pieces of fabric over her body like everyone else. Feels kind of strange, doesn’t it, Vanessa? Feel free to remedy the situation at anytime. Had I been there, she’d be totally nude. Little known fact: my mere presence causes women’s clothes to disappear. Don’t believe me? All you female readers out there, take a look down – Oh! No clothes, huh? Yep, it’s a talent. Some say I’m a living national treasure - like Paul Bunyan, but a bit manlier. Also, I’m not big into giant oxen. I’m more into naked chicks. Call me old-fashioned, I guess.

Original post by Suzi

Paris Hilton is banned from attending this year’s Oktoberfest in Munich, Germany. Many felt Paris’ presence last year “cheapened” the event. E! Online reports:

Munich locals complained that their annual bender was “selling out” by having celebs shill during the big swill.
But probably the key reason for banning Paris was that last year she was pimping her own brand of canned wine. For Bavarian beer snobs, canned beer is blasphemy, canned wine an abomination.

So Paris Hilton cheapens an event where people get sloppy drunk. Makes absolute perfect sense. When they’re planning the next Wife Beaters & Bourbon-Whiskey convention, Paris Hilton will probably not be allowed there either. Don’t worry they’ll have cheap, out-of-shape strippers and cock-fights, but no Paris. No way. These gentlemen have high standards and deserve a classy evening.

Original post by Suzi

Lord knows why, but Nicole Richie spent the weekend in Hawaii showing off her pregnant body in a bikini. Which might actually have been hot if she didn’t look like Gollum and if pregnant women weren’t gross. There are a lot of things pregnant women are capable of doing (like cooking breakfast or, say, my laundry) but wearing bikinis isn’t one of them. I’d encourage a pregnant woman to take up professional kickboxing before asking her to wear a bikini. And I’m a doctor, so I know what I’m talking about. See this clipboard and white coat? That means I’m right. Now drink your milk and do some, I dunno, jumping jacks. Stat.

Original post by Suzi

Tony Barretto a bodyguard briefly employed by Britney Spears after her stint in rehab filed a declaration with the judge handling her custody case. Based on this information, the judge has ordered Britney to take randomized drug tests and parenting classes to maintain custody of her kids. Tony reveals what he told the judge about Britney’s drug use, parenting and erratic behavior in an exclusive interview with News of the World:

On her overdose with Howie Day:
“On the surface of the dresser, I could see mounds of white powder and a straw on top. I suspected it was cocaine or powdered methamphetamines. By the side I spotted a glass pipe, which I knew from my drugs training was often used with crystal meth.”
The drug has similar effects to amphetamine and ecstasy. Overdosing can cause heart failure.
Tony went on: “I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. Britney was completely out of it. We thought she’d overdosed. She was distraught, crying. Her skin was all waxy. She looked so ill. We tried to speak to her. My fellow bodyguard and Alli were so worried they wanted to get hold of a medic to detoxify her. We were panicking. We thought she was going to die.
“There was talk about where to put the detox line it was that serious—through her arm, which would make fans think she’d been injecting, or through her neck.”

On her parenting skills:
He also told how she kept Jayden James and Sean Preston up late so they would sleep through the mornings and not wake her. If they woke early, a member of staff dealt with them.
Tony said: “Britney does love her kids but she is a fickle mum. When the kids are happy, she’s happy. When they’re crying or unwell, she’s not sure what to do. She speaks to them in weird, creepy, baby voices, in made-up languages, which they just don’t get. All it does is unsettle, upset and scare them. Often she would scream and cry uncontrollably. Imagine what that is like for young children.”

On the constant nudity:
“It’s the strangest thing, she likes to expose herself. I think part of it is she likes to embarrass people and make them feel uneasy. Before I even started working for her, I was warned about her stripping. I must have seen her naked dozens of times and each time I’ve been extremely embarrassed. She strips off anywhere—at home, recording studios and clubs. Even at the dance rehearsals, she took all her clothes off in front of me and then bent over, not even to pick anything up. I felt my ears burning and turned my head to the wall.”

If you’ve got some free time, scope out the full story and the myriad of links. It’s pretty much everything you imagined about Britney Spears and so much more. Also there’s a weird subplot about the bodyguards arming themselves when Howie Day is around. I want to say I’m making that up, but seriously, it’s true. I had no idea he was that dangerous. Howie Day seems like the type of guy that would crumble if you stepped on a daisy. Have you heard his music? I’m not saying Howie’s a pansy; I’m just saying I’ve seen premature infants that could kick his ass.

Original post by Suzi

Hayden Panettiere is dating her Heroes co-star Milo Ventimiglia, according to Ok! Magazine:

For weeks now, handsome Heroes co-stars Hayden Panettiere and Milo Ventimiglia (now known collectively as “HayLo”), have been sparking rumors of a relationship, with reports of her split from long-time beau Stephen Colletti and the pair’s closeness at various events. One friend of Milo has revealed to OK! that “they’re definitely dating.”

I heard that Milo Ventimiglia is unable to satisfy a woman in bed and randomly kicks puppies. It’s true. I’ve got documents to back it up. Some might say these “documents” are tear-stained napkins with the words “Hayden is mine” written in red crayon. I say, how the hell did you get in my safe-deposit box? I mean, you’re a liar. Seriously, these are official documents and not a handful of napkins from Arby’s.

UPDATE: Milo Ventimiglia has syphilis and shot a nun. I love you, Hayden!

Original post by Suzi

While Britney Spears completely unravels in front of the world, her little sister Jamie Lynn Spears walked around looking fantastic at Teen Vogue’s Young Hollywood event. She’s practically the greatest thing since sliced bread. Wait, that saying makes no sense. I can’t stick my penis in sliced bread. Or can I? (Note to self: Buy more bread. Prepare for sexy time. Also, you’re running low on tanning oil. Must keep massive chest glistening 24/7 unless you want to spend small fortune on Wonderbread.)

Original post by Suzi