Kiefer Sutherland was arrested for suspicion of DUI last night. He was stopped for making an illegal U-turn and failed a breathalyzer test. This is the actor’s second DUI since 2004, and he could face jail time, according to TMZ:

In November, 2004, Kiefer was popped for driving with a .22 blood alcohol level, and plead no contest to drunk driving. He was placed on 5 years probation. That means if he’s convicted on this morning’s DUI, he will have violated his probation.
Now here’s where the news gets worse: Guess who the judge was in the 2004 case? That would be Judge Michael Sauer, the guy who threw the book at Paris Hilton for violating her probation.

Alright, Kiefer, buddy, it’s cool. I know how to keep you out of jail. You need to get knocked up. Yep, that’s right. You need to put a bun in that oven. I don’t want to know how, just make it happen. I guarantee you’ll be in prison for no more than 80 minutes. They won’t even lock the cell. So, get cracking, Jack Bauer. I’ve seen you disarm a bomb with your teeth. Defying the basic laws of nature should be a piece of cake. I should say a piece of lactating cake with severe mood swings, but you catch my drift.

Original post by Suzi

Britney Spears stopped at a restaurant in LA so she could use the bathroom, which is something she does basically every other week. I’m pretty sure she’s the only celebrity person in the world who pulls over to use public restrooms. Like actually stops driving on her way home so she can use a toilet a hundred other people have already used that day. I’d say it’s because her bladder is the size of a peanut, but honestly I think that would be her brain. And maybe peanut is a bit too generous. What would you call the absence of a brain? An absence so powerful it dulls any brain that even gets near it. Because that’s what Britney has. In her head. Well that, or a large tomato and a note from God that says, “My bad.”

Original post by Suzi

Mother of God, is it possible for someone to be less attractive? I don’t get how any man could find her the least bit arousing. Even if solid gold coins shot out of her ears during sex, there’s no way I’d go near Sarah Jessica Parker. Sure I’d be filthy rich, but my wang would never talk to me again. And it’s important for the two of us to maintain open lines of communication. I need to know when he’s got to pee, and he needs to know when I’m drunk. So he’s ready for some mystery spelunking. Will he be in a woman tonight or a bagel? Therein lies the mystery.

Original post by Suzi

Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon’s recent behavior is fueling rumors of their alleged romance. The two were spotted getting cozy by the fireplace at a party at Carrie Fisher’s house. Carrie was toasting singer Rufus Wainwright who performed at the Hollywood Bowl over the weekend. E! Online reports:

“Jake and Reese were sitting by the fire all night, talking,” a fellow party guest tells me. “Everyone was talking, laughing and celebrating Rufus, but they were deep, deep in conversation. It was like there was no one else in the world.”

So, this is some really boring news. I’m almost in a coma, it’s that dull. Time to switch things up a bit: How about that Halo 3? I stayed up late playing it last night, and, according to the police officer who drove me home this morning, I may have been a tad bit intoxicated. He told me not to worry. The monkey will pull through and those nuns needed to be taken down a peg or two. That’s all well and good, but here’s my dilemma: It looks like I vomited directly into the Xbox. I pretty much opened up the CD tray and unleashed the fury. Is that covered by the warranty?

NOTE: If you wanted me to keep talking about Jake and Reese, you must be suffering from insomnia. Try taking some Tylenol PM – with whiskey. Just like mom used to make.

Original post by Suzi