I don’t know how, but this site seems to have turned into a tribute page to The Hills. Anyway, everybody’s favorite plastic surgery role model Heidi Montag was spotted frolicking on the beach yesterday wearing a pink bikini and carrying around a red life preserver. What an accomplished life. When she’s 60 and looking back on her life she’ll be able to say she inspired a nation of girls to get breast implants and run on the beach. Somebody should get started on her biography now. It’s such a moving story of determination and the human spirit. She makes that Rosa Parks character look like a total douche.

Original post by Suzi

Heidi Montag showed up at the Us Weekly Hot Hollywood event and proudly displayed the issue in which she basically states that she’d rather die than have small breasts. Amazing. This would be like Britney Spears smiling and holding up the issue of Ok! Magazine that details her coke problem and shoddy parenting skills. Though, to be fair, I hear she does walk around with it and shows it to people. And by people I mean the guy at McDonald’s that makes the fries. He understands her.

Original post by Suzi

Mariah Carey is extremely serious about her bathroom privacy. She had a few too many drinks at VH1’s Music Cares event and took her bodyguards to the bathroom. Here’s what happened, according to NY Daily News:

Two women already there say her security tried to evict them, but they refused to leave. Says one: “One of the bodyguards said to us, ‘If you’re going to stay, you better not watch Mariah pee.’”

Wait, wait, let’s repeat that one more time. “If you’re going to stay, you better not watch Mariah pee.” Hilarious! There’s no way I can follow a line like that. I’m packing this one in. Bam, sealed, run it. That bodyguard should do stand up. He would kill. Who wants to see Mariah Carey pee? No, actually, don’t answer that. I don’t want to know how many of you are out there. I like to think I’m unique.

Original post by Suzi

Wow, Audrina Partridge is ambitious. First she’s filler, now she’s moved up to flashing her panties to the paparazzi. This is almost making me consider spelling her last name right. Almost. I’m going to wait this one out though. She should stop being famous in about ten minutes, and then I can go back to calling her “That girl from that show who’s not blonde.”

Original post by Suzi

I’m not sure why Audrina Partridge is famous. People tell me she’s on The Hills so I assume she must be really good at talking on her cell phone. Well, today she gets to be filler. It’s a real honor, I know. Bask in it, Audrina. Oh, I almost forgot a trademark witty comment to make this experience complete. Here we go, so, hey, your last name is Partridge. Did you enjoy riding on the bus with David Cassidy? Ha, get it? Audrina Partridge. Partridge Family. They rode that bus. No? Nothing? Damn. Sorry, Audrina. Could you maybe acquire a drug problem or neglect your kids? You know, something hilarious.

Original post by Suzi

I almost let this one slip by. Almost. But it is The Daily Mail and they wouldn’t run it if it wasn’t true right? Tom Cruise fears that galactic ruler Xenu is planning a revenge attack against Earth, so he’s building a bunker to keep him and his family safe. The Daily Mail reports:

“Tom is planning to build a US$10 million bunker under his Telluride estate.”
“It’s a self-contained underground shelter with a high tech air purifying shelter.”
The facility is said to have enough room for ten people - including wife Katie Holmes, 17-month-old daughter Suri and his adopted children Isabella, 14, and Connor, 12.

I want to believe aliens are the reason Tom built a bunker, but it’s time to face reality: the bunker is for Katie Holmes. He probably feels bad about locking her in the closet so he’s upgrading her living conditions. But, hey, protecting her from Klaatu or whoever? Space aliens? That’s a good reason too.

Original post by Suzi

Wes Anderson’s short film Hotel Chevalier was released on iTunes earlier this week for free, but since iTunes doesn’t work for everybody, now Google Video has the entire thing up also. The short stars Jason Schwartzman and Natalie Portman or, more specifically, Natalie Portman’s naked butt. So yeah, if that’s something you might be interested in you can watch the whole thing above. I’m not sure what other reason you’d possibly have for watching this thing. Maybe you don’t see enough people brushing their teeth or talking really slowly in your regular life.

Slightly NSFW because of, well, the whole naked butt thing.

Original post by Suzi