The Sun has some crack reporters on their staff. I’m not sure if they’ve unearthed some legitimate celebrity gossip or just pulled stuff out of their ass. At any rate, they’re claiming Jennifer Aniston and Orlando Bloom were at a resort together in Mexico. Here are the details, I think:

Jennifer Aniston has been spotted holidaying in Mexico with a man that looks suspiciously like Lord Of The Rings star Orlando Bloom.
Although the photograph is a bit vague, Hollywood gossips are excited about the prospect of a new A-list couple.
The picture shows the former Friends beauty photographed sunbathing in a skimpy brown bikini while a topless toned hunk looks on admiringly.
A fellow holidaymaker at the luxurious resort said: “They were trying their best to be discreet but it was clear they were together.”

So Jennifer Aniston is dating a man with brown hair. It might be Orlando Bloom or it might not be. You know what? I’m just going to start making stuff up too. This just in: Jennifer Aniston is dating oxygen. The two were spotted together at a downtown café. Onlookers couldn’t help but notice oxygen spending a large amount of time in Jennifer’s mouth before going deeper into her chest. Jennifer had an on/off relationship with Vince Vaughn but seems to have found herself a more aggressive lover in this Periodic Table of Elements star.

UPDATE: Captain America talks about his one night stand with Jennifer Aniston. Check back later for the saucy details.

Original post by Suzi

Listen up. Send the piñata back. Cancel the caterers. Britney Spears will probably get her kids back soon. Her lawyers talked to the press today about the reasons for the temporary loss of custody, and it looks like things aren’t that scandalous. Reuters reports:

Spears’s attorney, Sorrell Trope, told People magazine that they were not able to prove compliance.

“Specifically the judge ordered that by 10 a.m. (Monday) morning, both parties show valid California driving licenses. I’ve been unable to produce evidence of that,” he said.

Trope said another reason behind the judge’s temporary custody ruling “was a claim by Mr. Federline’s attorney that she had not complied with a previous order the court had made - before I came on board (as lawyer) — about having a random drug and alcohol test.”

“There’s no evidence that she actually failed a test,” he added.

So Britney Spears pretty much couldn’t pee in cup or stand in line at the DMV within a reasonable amount of time in order to maintain custody of her children. I wonder what her thought process was like: Hmm, I could either pee in a cup this morning or lose my kids. Damn, this is really hard. If I pee in the cup, that means I might be late to McDonald’s and miss out on a McMuffin. But if I don’t go, they take my kids. What do I love more? Eggs and bacon on an English muffin or my own children? Do other mom’s have to make tough decisions like this? Probably not. It only happens to me because I’m Britney, bitch.

Original post by Suzi

Pamela Anderson may have applied for a marriage license with Rick Salomon for other reasons besides love. Reasons like, oh, I dunno, pregnancy! Ok! Magazine reports:

“She definitely looks like she’s got a bit of a bump,” one source tells OK!. “And this wouldn’t be the first time Pam has rushed off to get married because there’s a baby coming.” The source is, of course, referring to the rumors that the Baywatch babe’s surprise 2006 marriage to Kid Rock happened after she’d been impregnated. While these claims have been denied by the actress, they were bolstered by the fact that she filed for divorce from Kid only 11 days after miscarrying their unborn child.

Okay, I look at photos of Pamela Anderson on a daily basis and she doesn’t look pregnant at all. Unless she’s carrying the child in her breasts. In which case, holy shit somebody start boiling some water these twins are coming out today! Don’t worry, I’m a doctor, I’ll handle this. I’m just going to stay here and keep her breasts elevated until the delivery. While all this heavy-lifting might make you think I’m a hero-doctor; I just think of myself as a simple practitioner of medicine – who doesn’t wear pants.

Original post by Suzi

To make up for, well, the worst sex tape ever, here’s Eva Longoria squeezing through some cars. What’s that? You don’t understand how Eva Longoria squeezing through cars makes up for anything? Just trust me, it does. And that’s a fact. A scientific fact. I’ve got equations and pie charts scribbled on some napkins to prove it. It’s complicated, you wouldn’t understand. Far too sciency.

Original post by Suzi

EVA LONGORIA SEX TAPE

Here’s the alleged Eva Longoria sex tape everybody’s been talking about. Although calling it a sex tape would not only be a lie, it’d be a really big lie. The tape was made for Will Ferrel’s comedy site Funny Or Die and features Eva Longoria with comedian Eric Christian Olsen. In the video Longoria says: “Are you really sure we should be doing this? If it gets out it could be really embarrassing.” Her partner then replies: “Don’t worry baby I’m going to put it somewhere safe - like the glovebox of my car.” Funny? Meh. Cruel? Definitely. I mean, getting everybody’s hopes up about an Eva Longoria sex tape and having it turn out to be this? It’s like promising your kid a Wii for Christmas, and then when Christmas rolls around you kick him really hard in the nuts instead.

Original post by Suzi

So you’ve just lost your kids because the legal community pretty much agrees that you’re a terrible mother, what do you do? Go tanning, silly! And that’s exactly what Britney Spears did. The Daily Mail reports:

It was business as usual for troubled Britney and the first stop on the singer’s agenda - after surrendering her boys Sean Preston, two, and one-year-old Jayden James to their father Kevin’s bodyguard - was a visit to Epitome, her favourite Bel Air tanning salon. Afterwards she checked in to the Peninsula Hotel. But, as she made her way inside, two photographers got into a fight - which seemed to amuse the giggling singer no end.

But it wasn’t all fake-baking and giggles. Britney finally hit up the DMV to get her Louisiana license transferred to California:

Then, Britney paid a visit to the Department of Motor Vehicles office in Van Nuys, California, where she finally applied for a driving licence and took a written test.
Last Friday, Commissioner Gordon banned both Spears and Federline from driving the children unless they had a valid California driver’s licence. But on the weekend, Britney was allegedly seen driving her two children around LA without a valid licence.

Some mothers might, I dunno, be a bit shocked and furious that their kids are being taken away. Not Britney. The day before all this, she probably sat at home, surrounded by Whoppers, thinking aloud “Wow, I hope that Kevin Federline gets those kids away from that awful girl.” Then someone would point out to Britney that she is that awful girl. She’d look kind of confused for a minute, then say “Oh well, I still have my tanning appointment tomorrow, right? Because, seriously, if I start losing my color then I’ll kill myself. Wait, did y’all just say I have kids? Holy crap, nevermind, this Whopper has extra pickles! Yay!”

Original post by Suzi