Remember when Anna Kournikova used to be a professional tennis player? That was kind of neat, but I’m pretty sure all she does now is, well, nothing. And wear bikinis. Probably the best career move she’s ever made.

Original post by Suzi

Here’s Hilary Duff on the set of Greta, which looks like it might be the best movie ever made. You’ve got Hilary Duff completely soaked in a see-through shirt, and then you’ve got those sunglasses she’s wearing. Holy cow. Those are what the Terminator would wear if he was 80 years old and liked to yell at kids to get off his lawn. Check out this shot to properly appreciate just how amazingly awesome these sunglasses really are.

Original post by Suzi

Part of the reason Britney Spears lost her kids is because she failed to follow the judge’s instructions and take a drug test. But why did she skip those tests? Was she negotiating world peace? Reading to her kids? Aw, no, wait, she was sleeping. Hey, it’s hard work letting nannies watch your kids while you drink Frappucinos. E! Online reports:

Sources close to the proceedings told the Los Angeles Times that Spears’ assistant twice informed the testing lab that her boss was asleep and then on another occasion told the technicians that Spears would be unavailable to take a test at home.

I catch a lot of flack for the Britney loves fast food comments. But, seriously, at this point I’m just trying to help. Had somebody took Britney’s hand and offered to take her to Carl Jr.’s if she peed in a cup, all of this could’ve been avoided. She probably would’ve filled a bathtub if you threw in a trip to the DQ. The woman has a weakness for fast food. She loves it more than her kids. Use her weakness for good. Train her. Mold her. Or you can just sit there and let Britney make a music video (above) where she pretends to be a stripper. Except no one has the heart to tell Britney she’s the type of stripper that makes a guy get up and leave - because his penis is crying.

NOTE: Above is Britney Spears’ new music video for Gimme More. So either ‘you’re welcome’ or ‘I’m sorry.’ I can’t figure out which is appropriate here.

Original post by Suzi

I don’t even know who Sophia Bush is. But, for the time being, she fits the criteria I’m looking for: She’s not Britney Spears, and she has a vagina. By the way she’s walking and sipping an iced coffee, I’m going to assume she’s on The Hills. However she does appear to be walking upright without wires attached, so that can’t be right. She’s on One Tree Hill? Never heard of it. Is that like a spin-off of The Hills or something? But with a tree? Is it even safe for those girls to be around trees? I heard that Heidi chick almost drowned in a sock and you’re going to put her around a large, flammable object with pointy branches. Man, what won’t they do for ratings?

Original post by Suzi

Britney Spears’ label Jive Records issued a press release stating their support for Britney during her personal troubles. Here’s what they said, as reported by Us Magazine:

“Jive is enormously excited about Britney’s new album, and we’re confident that it will secure her reputation as one of the great recording artists of her time. As Britney’s label, it’s not our place to comment on her personal issues, but we do care about her and support her. There’s no question that when performers attain the level of celebrity that Britney has, they tend to be treated by the press and public as if they were cartoon or soap-opera characters, and we forget that they’re actually human beings. People say that’s the trade-off you make for success in the entertainment industry – that if you want to make it big, you have to surrender your privacy or the ability to lead a normal life. But sometimes you make that bargain before you realize what it entails. Britney’s a grown woman who makes her own choices, and we respect that. But she faces challenges that most of us can’t really imagine.”

So screw your family, all that matters is being rich and famous. I’m reading you loud and clear, Jive. Go capitalism! Poor Benjamin Franklin must be rolling in his grave right now. He’s also probably thinking to himself: “What’s all this tomfoolery about that fine, young tart’s increased plumpness? I’d frolic her bottom end henceforth in a jovial fashion for an entire fortnight!” You didn’t know Franklin was a chubby chaser? I’m actually not making this one up. So maybe one time I said Abe Lincoln punched a Martian. No one’s been able to prove that he didn’t, so I stand by my theory. But the Ben Franklin and fat chicks thing; totally true. See, I can be educational.

Original post by Suzi