Recently the new and improved Paris Hilton announced she’d be taking a humanitarian trip to Rwanda. Someone needs to tell her that Rwanda is in Africa – and not behind a curtain. Also you need to get in a plane and fly there - not drink 15 cans of sparkling wine and dance like a paraplegic who just got her limbs back. Good effort though. I can almost feel those refugees being helped. Almost.

Original post by Suzi

Lindsay Lohan left the Cirque Lodge facility in Utah this weekend and is spending some alone time with her dad. If that’s not creepy enough, she’s also plotting her diabolical return to the spotlight. E! Online’s The Awful Truth reports:

“She thinks it’s so funny that everybody’s worried about her,” revealed a Lohan bud to Desk Awful. “She says, ‘Oh, what a pitiful girl, they must all be saying,’ and then she breaks into hysterics,” added the somewhat nonplussed amiga, who included the following little verbal baby I simply adore ‘cause it’s just so very real-life Mean Girls:

“And she doesn’t like Britney taking away all the attention, either.”

A storm is brewin’, my friends. Beware as the fire-crotched lass and the gelatinous blonde prepare to wage war over an epic battlefield of cocaine, paparazzi and Cheesy Beefy Melts. Can Lindsay’s rampant substance abuse and promiscuity stand a chance against Britney’s piss-poor parenting and imploding career? Who shall be the victor? Also, it’s been a while since I read Revelations, but shouldn’t four horsemen and a seven-headed dragon show up soon? Wait, what? Britney ate the dragon and Lindsay gave the horsemen VD? Damn. This is going to be awesome!

Original post by Suzi

For those of you wondering if Katie Holmes looks are improving, I have your answer: Nope. When Katie wakes up in the morning does she look at herself in the mirror and go “Now, what outfit can I wear to make me look like a middle-aged librarian? Ah yes, the Armani pants and white blouse. How could I forget?” Katie will then go looking for her favorite accessory that further repels the attention of other men. You know, that cute little thing that she usually wears over her shoulder. What’s that thing called? Oh yeah, Suri.

Original post by Suzi

Britney Spears and her sister Jamie-Lynn went to get sushi in Beverly Glen yesterday, and as they were walking, a crazy woman approached them and started screaming, “Nobody wants you in this neighborhood! You’re making the neighborhood unsafe!” The paparazzi defended Britney by yelling at the woman, and then Jamie-Lynn stepped in and shouted in her face, “Then move the fuck out of the neighborhood!”

Normally I’d side with the crazy person that’s verbally assaulting the Spears family, but this woman actually puts her hands on Jamie-Lynn. That’s just uncalled for. Most people learn to use words by the time they’ve completed, what, elementary school? I’m guessing this woman wandered in from the forest. Somebody should’ve thrown a net over her and then trained her to function in society. Like some sort of monkey.

Original post by Suzi

Our country is at war. Global warming is increasing at an alarming rate. Gas prices are on the rise. All stuff I can pretty much learn to deal with. What I am having trouble coping with is finding out that rap-rock ass-clown Fred Durst still walks among us. And, get out of town, he directed a movie. TMZ reports:

While waiting for their cars, Paxton was asked about the possibility of Durst guest-starring on “Big Love,” to which Paxton beamed, “I sure hope so, he’d rock that show.” Really?

Then, without any prompting at all, Paxton continued, “Have you seen his movie, ‘The Education of Charlie Banks’? It’s the real deal.”

Oh, wait, Bill Paxton says it’s awesome. Then you know it’s good. You know, that, “Hey, I don’t have herpes just Chlamydia” kind of good. Not the “Yay, Fred Durst is dead” good. Which is the awesomest type of good imaginable. Though to Fred’s credit, I believe now he really can have sex with Britney Spears and not pretend that he did. But even at her lowest would Britney be that dumb? If you’re thinking I’m going to say it depends if Fred Durst has a Bacon Cheeseburger taped to his nads, GET OUT OF MY HEAD!

Original post by Suzi

Jessica Simpson decided to wear a dress that didn’t display her superhuman rack. Why she would do something like that, I dunno. Clearly she takes sick pleasure in making grown men cry. Well, I won’t give her the satisfacti…. sniff… No, dammit. Be strong. Don’t let her get to you. But, seriously, where are her boobs? Where?! Oh God, someone get the Kleenex. Here come the tears. Better make it a big box. This is going to be a long one.

Original post by Suzi

Nicole Kidman is sporting a new look that’s, well, something. Pretty, maybe? No. Elegant? Not quite. I mean, it’s not that she looks bad, but it’s not that she looks good either. I’m going to say she looks, uh, meh? Yes, meh. Not sure if that’s even a word, but I think it gets my point across. Nicole Kidman is meh. Also, I could probably land a small aircraft on her forehead. Possibly two, if the wind’s not against me.

Original post by Suzi