Hayden Panettiere spent an afternoon reading to schoolchildren. I can think of better ways for her to spend her time. They involve me, several palm branches, and a bowl of grapes. Also, nudity. Mostly her, not so much me. I’ll be wearing a tux. Sometimes I like to pretend I’m James Bond. If that rental place forgets the poison-dart cuff links, I’m going to be pissed. Clearly, those people have no sense of romance.

Note: For those of you who wonder if NBC pays me to write posts about Hayden Panettiere, the answer is no. However, I’m not opposed to the idea. NBC, feel free to call me at1-888-LUV-HAYP. I accept cash, gold bars and/or rare religious artifacts that can melt a man’s face off. No PayPal.

Original post by Suzi

Lindsay Lohan is out of money. Apparently her coke and booze sprees have cost her millions, and her three stints in rehab haven’t been cheap either. News of the World reports:

And now the 21-year-old is so skint she can’t afford her own place—and has become a lodger at a rich pal’s mansion.
Her extravagant spending spree includes:

* A MILLION dollars on just one hotel bill
* $137,000 in rehab costs as she battles her hopeless addiction to drink and drugs
* THOUSANDS more in legal fees after multiple drink driving convictions.

We can reveal that after jetting back to Los Angeles this week following her two-month stay at the Utah’s Cirque Lodge rehab clinic, Lohan is staying in the guest house of billionaire Tom Gores, executive producer on her recent film I Know Who Killed Me.

Lindsay shouldn’t feel too bad because I hear Britney is running out of cash too. I mean, she has to be. I’m not an accountant, but, based on my estimates, Britney spends at least $1.2 billion weekly at Starbucks. I’m not even factoring in the extra whipped cream. Maybe these two should buy a house together. Then they each can save some extra cash and do things together. Like try on make-up, pretend to read books or flash their vaginas at the paparazzi. You know, girl stuff.

Original post by Suzi

Anthony Kiedis (the lead singer for the Red Hot Chili Peppers) and his girlfriend Heather Christie gave birth to their son last week. The child’s name is Everly Bear. He was named after Anthony’s favorite band the Everly Brothers. As for the bear part, it was a little part mom and a little part, well, crazy. People has the details:

“The mama came up with Bear,” Kiedis says. “That made sense to me because he’s from me and I feel like I’m part of the bear clan, and I think it’s nice to have a little bit of earth in your name.”

Whoa, whoa, whoa. If the ground rules for naming your kid are using your favorite band and what animal you think you are, I am so on board. As soon as I find an Amazon woman whose womb is capable of nurturing my super-child, I’ve got the perfect name: Dethklok Triceratops. Best name ever, I know. It works on so many levels because I’m part giant, horned thunder-lizard and Dethklok rules. The only way this could backfire is if my son wants to play the oboe instead of doing something awesome like drive a tank - at age six. You’re damn right I’m going to let him. I can’t drive and work the cannon. Didn’t your father teach you how to operate a tank? No? He was sober? Fair enough.

Original post by Suzi

If you decide to watch paint peel off the wall instead of reading this post, I won’t be offended. Anyway, it appears Kate Hudson is done with Dax Shephard. NY Daily News reports:

“They weren’t working out, and she got bored,” says the friend. “She’s telling people it’s a clean break.”

Uh oh, somebody put Dax Shephard on suicide watch. Aw, too soon? No? The timing is just right it’s just that nobody cares about Dax Shephard? You present a solid argument. I stand corrected.

Fun Fact: I sold my soul to the devil in exchange for granite abs and the ability to fire proton torpedoes from my nads. Yep, he was feeling generous that day. Turns out he’s got a thing for Jessica Biel bikini shots – and oddly enough Zac Efron as well. I have no idea what that’s all about.

Original post by Suzi

Britney Spears went for her usual Starbucks run (every hour on the hour) and of course was swarmed by the paparazzi. After ordering another grande, career-ending frappucino, I mean mocha frap, mocha, she ran out to her car. Apparently Britney likes to drink her iced coffee in private, so she quickly fooled everyone – by hiding behind a book! Holy cow, where did she go? Where’s Britney? All I see is the Chronicles of Narnia and a mound of excess skin. She must work for the CIA!

Original post by Suzi

Most of you probably heard about this over the weekend, but just in case, rapper T.I. was arrested on federal charges for having his bodyguard purchase machine guns for him. TMZ reports:

Authorities say the bodyguard admitted to purchasing about nine firearms for T.I. in the past and about 17 firearms for other people in the musician’s posse on previous occasions. The bodyguard claims the rapper gave him cash to purchase the guns, because T.I., as a convicted felon, was not able to legally buy firearms. The bodyguard was arrested last week trying to buy several guns. After his arrest, the bodyguard agreed to cooperate with authorities.

T.I., how did it get to this? I told you we were cool. There’s no need to build up an arsenal. First off, puny weapons are no match for me. It says so on my business card. Second, it’s in the past, man. Water under the bridge. But now you went and got yourself arrested by the police. I’d pour a forty on the ground for you, but I kind of drank it all. Malt liquor is bubbly, yo. Like soda pop. Did I just say “yo” back there? Yup. It’s official: I am wasted.

Original post by Suzi

Pamela Anderson is shooting down rumors she was in a shotgun wedding with Rick Salomon and insists she isn’t pregnant. People reports:

“It’s just not true,” the mother of two added to Leach, who interviewed her at a party Wednesday night for airline magnate Richard Branson. “I would tell you if it was.”

To underscore it, at the party Anderson was “celebrating her marriage last weekend with bottles of expensive Cristal champagne.”

I’d like to see Pamela Anderson disprove more theories with booze. You know, show up at scientific conferences and be like, “Dr. Smith, I challenge your quasar theory. I believe you’ll find my evidence to not only taste great but have less filling.” Then she’ll chug a case of Miller Lite and dance naked on a particle accelerator. Dr. Smith’s theory, which foolishly lacks both alcohol and fake breasts, will be laughed out the door. Science is totally rad.

Original post by Suzi