It truly is a slow news day when I’m slapping up a shot of Victoria Beckham’s hard nipple. But I make it a rule of thumb that, when in doubt, you can’t go wrong with fake breasts. I believe that’s in the Constitution somewhere. Yes, our founding fathers were true visionaries - that loved boobs. Damn, this country rocks. I’m raising a flag right now in your honor, U.S. of A. I won’t tell you where, but it’s poised atop two boulders and, aw, you got me, it’s totally my penis. Ha ha, no one’s fooling you, America.

Original post by Suzi

When I first looked at this picture, I thought, oh, hey, awesome Master Yoda. Maybe he’ll do some crazy lightsaber attacks or something. But then I looked closely, and, man, it’s Mary-Kate Olsen. That’s like meeting a hot girl and having her promise you an evening of “lots of naked stuff.” Only you get her home, turn on the lights, and holy shit, it’s Tara Reid – with her shirt off. Why does the left one look like that – oh, dude, your stomach. Put your shirt back on. Please. I have a very full stomach and a heart condition.

Original post by Suzi

I’m at a loss for words to deliver this news, but, it appears Lindsay Lohan was drinking this weekend. Gasp! How can this be? She’s been to rehab three times. Could it be she actually stayed at a resort with no quantifiable rehabilitative practices? Nah, that’s just crazy talk. E! Online reports:

However, don’t think Linds has gone all suburban soccer mom on us—yet. According to some Utah locals, Lindsay was spotted at a Park City club Friday night. And despite her two-month stint in rehab, our barwitness thought Linds looked less than refreshed.

In the future, when scientists unearth Lindsay’s corpse, they’ll discover she runs on pure alcohol. She can survive without oxygen, water, and food. As long as she’s filled to the brim with Mojito’s, Lindsay will keep running. Yes, it will be a fascinating time until Dr. Johnson spills his whiskey tonic into her open chest cavity and – Holy Christ! She’s alive! Hide our precious moon beer! Ah, my eyes, she burnt it with her crotch! Johnson, you booze-hound, look what you’ve done! Oh, the humanity.

Original post by Suzi

P. Diddy got into a scuffle over the weekend at club Kiosk in SoHo. Diddy allegedly had an argument with an acquaintance Steven Acevedo and decided to settle things with a gentlemanly punch in the mouth. The victim called the police later that day and Diddy is expected to turn himself in for questioning today. NY Daily News reports:

Combs and the alleged victim, Steven Acevedo, 31, at first just traded insults inside the Spring St. hot spot. But after the dust appeared to settle, Combs and some of his bodyguards came back, Acevedo told cops. Combs then knocked Acevedo to the ground with a punch to the mouth. When Acevedo got up, Combs allegedly punched him a second time, sources said.

As Combs’ fists flew, a member of his entourage allegedly boasted to Acevedo, “We won’t shoot you. You can even hold our guns,” a police source said.

That’s just good manners right there. Sorry, old chap, no bullets today. Just a hearty punch or two. Bleeding internally are we now? Very well then. Might I trouble you for our shooters back? That’s a good sport. Lovely day, isn’t it? Cheerio!

Original post by Suzi

Paris Hilton. Humanitarian. Saint. And, oh yeah, camera whore. Turns out Paris’ trip to Rwanda in November is going to be a reality show. Wait until you see the show’s title. Priceless. Ok! Magazine reports:

Paris Hilton is set to journey to Rwanda on a charity mission with the Playing for Good organization, and as it is always the case, cameras will be following her.
Paris’ five-day trek to the African country, where she will visit clinics and schools, will be filmed with the hopes of selling it as a reality show titled The Philanthropist.

Paris chimed in with her thoughts on the show:

“I love having everything documented. It shows people what everyday life is like for me, how hard I work. There are a lot of misconceptions about me.”

True, there are a lot of misconceptions about Paris. The other day some guy told me she didn’t have herpes. That guy couldn’t have been more misconceived. But, you know, in all honesty it’s nice to see Paris using her celebrity to bring attention to these refugees. Sure she might devour their souls to stave off the ravaging effects of age, but at least Paris is creating a national dialog. And that’s what’s really important. Unless the show is on A&E, then no one will watch it and Paris just tricked us into thinking she’s sort of important. Dammit, she did it again! I’ll get you next time, Paris. Next time…

Original post by Suzi

Britney Spears reported to a Los Angeles police station and turned herself in for charges of hit and run and driving without a license. The AP reports:

Officer Mike Lopez said Spears turned herself in around 9 p.m. and left about 45 minutes later. Spears was fingerprinted and photographed, he said.

“She was fine, cooperative,” Lopez said. “She did her business and came out.”

Despite the fact it was late in the evening, Britney still wore sunglasses. But for medical reasons, of course:

Spears, 25, was wearing large designer sunglasses and a black turtleneck dress and jacket. As she left the station, she told KCAL-TV that all went smoothly.

“They were nice,” she said of police. She told the station she was wearing the sunglasses because she had pinkeye.

I’m curious. What kind of pinkeye does Britney have? It has to be some sort of super-strain because it’s lasted since, I dunno, at least five years. That’s just a rough guess. In the meantime, those sunglasses must get in the way of her reading. You know, those cold nights when Britney likes to immerse herself in the great literary classics. I heard she was almost through the “Cat in the Hat.” It’s been a couple of weeks, but she can’t wait to see how it ends.

A video of Britney’s hit and run after the jump.

Original post by Suzi

Britney Spears only wrote two songs on her new album “Blackout.” I’m genuinely surprised. I expected the amount of songs she wrote to be in the negative numbers. How is that even possible? I’m not sure, but Britney would’ve pulled it off - like her clothes. Reuters reports:

While pop singers of Spears’ ilk usually leave the songwriting to the pros, she was credited on seven of the songs on 2003’s “In the Zone,” and five on 2001’s “Britney.” For the current project, Spears enlisted 23 songwriters. She received credit on “Freakshow” and “Ooh Ooh Baby.”

The Superficial has obtained Britney’s song book. Prepare yourself for an exclusive look at the track listings that didn’t make it in:

“Wh@pper Me, Hun-Hun”
“My Most Introspective Ruminations on the Foreign Press in C minor”
“Coke = Brit-Brit nice”
“Me No Mom, Me No Have Kids”

It should be noted that there were no lyrics for “Coke.” It was just a doodle of Mayor McCheese punching Kevin Federline into a bus. Surprisingly, it was tastefully done. She used real ketchup for the blood.

Original post by Suzi