Lately Katie Holmes has been looking like a sad 40-year-old woman, so it’s nice to see her looking not only decent but kind of hot. Sure, crazy old Tom probably has her all drugged up so she obeys his every command. And maybe, because of that and a loveless sham marriage, Katie Holmes is dead inside. But at least she’s looking good which is all that really matters, right? I know, ladies, you’re overcome by my sensitivity. What can I say? I’ve got a heart that’s almost as big as these biceps. Go ahead, touch them. They won’t bite. Much.

Original post by Suzi

Scope out English model/actress Gemma Atkinson in her crazy hot 2008 calendar. I don’t really have any idea who she is, but Gemma has dreams of being an R&B/soul singer and will soon be moving stateside to Nashville. Also, just thought I’d mention she’s recently single. News of the World reports:

Our Gem’s now single after splitting with Man United star Ronaldo in July.
A close pal revealed: “Gemma’s started dating again and is loving it. She’s met up with a number of guys so far and had a great time.”

Note to Self: Move to Nashville. Seek out Gemma Atkinson. (If you’re unable to spot her, go home and cry in the bathtub while questioning your sexuality.) Introduce yourself as a record producer. (A cowboy hat will add authenticity to this claim and make you look like Chuck Norris. Pure win/win situation.) Gain Gemma’s confidence. (Buy her a coffee maker. Or an oven mitt. Whatever the chicks are into these days.) Touch boobies. (If unsuccessful, I hear suicide is fun too.) End note.

Original post by Suzi

Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas attended the benefit for the Motion Picture and Television Fund at Sony Studios over the weekend. It should be a crime for a woman that good looking to date a dude that old. I mean, yeah, he’ll probably die soon. (Keeping my fingers crossed for tomorrow.) But Grandpa here should let young bucks like me have a chance. Maybe, instead of feeding you oatmeal and watching the History channel, Catherine would like to feel pecs that were chiseled from marble by Zeus himself. Sure, maybe he was a bit overzealous and gave me an extra nipple or four, but just feel those pectoral muscles. You can’t? Too many nips? Goddammit, Zeus.

Original post by Suzi

Kim Kardashian celebrated her 27th birthday last night at Les Deux in Los Angeles. That’s about all the detail I can give. I tried doing some research on Kim’s party, but when I looked down at my notepad all I wrote was “Kim Kardashian = ass goodness.” I’ve already submitted this formula to several universities and I’m confident those eggheads in their ivy towers won’t be able to deny my genius this time. Sure, my work doesn’t involve quantum physics or time travel, but it does involve asses. Is there a nobler field of research? I doubt it.

A bunch more of Kim Kardashian after the jump.

Original post by Suzi

Britney Spears apparently swallowed her pride and agreed to have a parenting coach present while she visited her kids. Britney had been temporarily barred from the children, but things seem to be going smoothly now. People reports:

The singer on Saturday was spotted driving with her children in Studio City, Calif., in her white Mercedes convertible, which was decorated with pumpkins on the dashboard.
A presumed court-appointed monitor was seated in the front seat, with her sons in the rear.

That woman looks absolutely thrilled to be in the car with Britney. Besides fearing for her life, the parenting coach was also concerned with Britney’s public displays of her lady parts and its impact on the children. But then the coach made an amazing discovery: Britney Spears’ vagina can drive a car. I knew it! The first time I laid eyes on Britney’s cooch, I said to myself, “That thing can operate a vehicle.” Then I spent the rest of the night trying to get my nads to stop praying in Latin. She can’t get you here, little buddies. Wait, I smell a Chalupa – and anti-freeze! RUN!

Original post by Suzi

Kid Rock was arrested yesterday after getting into a scuffle at an Atlanta Waffle House. DeKalb County police arrested Kid Rock and five of his entourage after an argument with a customer turned physical. Reuters reports:

“Rock along with five members of his entourage were charged with one count of battery, which is a misdemeanor. The victim … was treated and released at a local hospital for his injuries,” Mekka Parish, spokeswoman for DeKalb police, said.

The Waffle House pressed charges against the man involved in the fight with Rock’s entourage after a window was punched out during the fight, which started inside but ended in the parking lot, Parish said.

First off, real men don’t get into fights at the Waffle House. That’s what IHOP is for. Second, if this post was about a giant, walking waffle that demolished a diner Kid Rock was in, would you maybe consider reading it then? Didn’t think so. Moving on…

Original post by Suzi

While football star Tom Brady played in Miami, his girlfriend model Gisele Bundchen frolicked on the beach with a friend. Are you looking at these pictures and thinking what I’m thinking? She’s totally not wearing any sunscreen. What were you thinking? Oh, wow! That’s a serious accusation, man. You do make a good point though. Tom Brady is just one step away from dating dudes, but you can’t just go right out and say something like that. You’ve got to slyly insinuate it using the, uh, insinuationy stuff. For example: Tom Brady must really be a into 15-year-old boys because Gisele Bundchen has the body of one. See? Subtlety. It’s a talent, I know.

More pics of Gisele in her bikini after the jump.

Original post by Suzi