Christina Aguilera is expecting twins, according to a reliable source for the NY Daily News. That’s interesting. I was shocked to learn that her husband Sasquatch could mate with humans, and now I find out he not only reproduces, he multiplies. Fascinating stuff. Will Christina try to raise the kids in captivity or in the wild? Somebody needs to do an Animal Planet special on these two and record it for me. I’m too busy fighting terrorism with a knife between my teeth.

NOTE: Some might say that posting pictures of celebrity breasts isn’t really fighting terrorism. Newsflash: Terrorists hate boobs. If someone you know hates female mammary glands, report them immediately to the nearest Office of Homeland Security. I’m just going to sit here now and wait for my Congressional Medal of Honor. Man, I’ve earned it.

Original post by Suzi

English model/television personality Katie Price launched her new Jordan Haircare line today at Superdrug in London. I don’t think they used enough pink. I’ve somehow managed to not vomit. That being said, I’d like to thank the art director of this fantastic shoot. Now I finally know what Barbie would look like in real life – if she had epilepsy. Kudos.

Original post by Suzi

Katie Holmes attended the German premiere of Tom Cruise’s new movie Lions for Lambs last night and, holy shit, she’s smiling. Apparently Katie didn’t take her mind control pills because she seems capable of human emotions and is wearing heels – a big no, no for Tom’s ladies. Which is understandable, because Katie looks at least 50 feet tall standing next to him. I wonder if his haircut looks even more retarded at that height. I’ll have to ask Katie. As soon as she lets go of that 747.

Original post by Suzi

Britney Spears is planning to auction off a ton of personal items. Britney will donate the proceeds to a children’s cause that she’ll announce at a later date, according to her friend Sam Lufti. Us Weekly reports:

“It’s something Britney wanted to do to counterbalance all the rumors and negativity in the press. All she can do is be herself, love her kids and do small things like this to help people.”

I wonder what personal items Britney is selling. No, wait, that’s too obvious, it’s her kids. It’s a win/win situation. A worthy cause gets a buttload of cash and Jayden and Sean get a new home. Granted, they might get snatched up and sold on the black market. That is, if they dare to dream. Cross your fingers, little guys. When you put your minds to it, anything can happen! Wow, I’m awesome with kids. I should write for Sesame Street or something.

Original post by Suzi

Halle Berry attended the London premiere of her new movie Things We Lost in the Fire last night and she brought out the big guns. Sure, she’s in some hot water for her anti-Semitic joke on Leno last week, but I think Halle Berry has made a generous peace offering. Or two. (Hint: I’m talking about her boobs. In case you got lost back there.)

Original post by Suzi

Jessica Biel wanted to avoid the paparazzi on her way into a yoga class yesterday. Being the master of improvisation that she is, Jessica grabbed a golf umbrella to shield herself from the photogs. Notice how it hasn’t stopped me from posting the pics? I don’t care if she’s wearing a beekeeper outfit. Someone takes a picture of Jessica Biel; I’m posting it. Now you see why I get confused for Jesus all the time.

UPDATE: A video of Jessica Biel yelling at the paparazzi to get real jobs after the jump.

Original post by Suzi

Ryan Reynolds birthday was on Tuesday and his girlfriend Scarlett Johansson decided to get him a unique gift. You know, something that shows Ryan how much she loves him and will totally stab him in his sleep if he ever looks at another girl. A gossip hound for E! Online has the details:

“She’d just had her wisdom teeth removed, so she had one dipped in gold and strung on a necklace for him.”

Her wisdom tooth. Covered in gold. Wow. I bet for Christmas Scarlett Johannson will nail a dead bat to Ryan Reynold’s chest. Then cry after sex. God, she’s so perfect. Like something out of a dream. If I ever built a robot-woman to be my lifelong companion, I’d make it exactly like Scarlett Johansson. Except without the talking. Ha, why would I need that?

Original post by Suzi