Britney Spears arrived in court today along with Kevin Federline. The two are in the midst of a custody battle that has seen Britney lose and regain custody of her kids about 1,000 times by my estimate. Presently Britney is only allowed monitored visits with Sean and Jayden. A court-appointed parenting coach must be present. At the time of this post, Britney and Kevin are still in the courtroom. No major developments have occurred with the exception of Britney changing her hairstyle and sunglasses after every break, according to TMZ:

She walked into the bathroom and presto change-o! — she changed her dark black sunglasses for brown ones. She also took her hair down.

You know what impresses a judge? Sunglasses. Turns out Britney Spears is a master legal strategist. Yeah, maybe she skipped a few drug tests and completely ignores her parenting coach, but check out these shades, your honor. Yup, they totally block out the sun. You can just hand over those kids now. No rush on the “Mother of the Year” plague. Just drop it in the mail. Laters, y’all!

Original post by Suzi

Britney Spears arrived in court today along with Kevin Federline. The two are in the midst of a custody battle that has seen Britney lose and regain custody of her kids about 1,000 times by my estimate. Presently Britney is only allowed monitored visits with Sean and Jayden. A court-appointed parenting coach must be present. At the time of this post, Britney and Kevin are still in the courtroom. No major developments have occurred with the exception of Britney changing her hairstyle and sunglasses after every break, according to TMZ:

She walked into the bathroom and presto change-o! — she changed her dark black sunglasses for brown ones. She also took her hair down.

You know what impresses a judge? Sunglasses. Turns out Britney Spears is a master legal strategist. Yeah, maybe she skipped a few drug tests and completely ignores her parenting coach, but check out these shades, your honor. Yup, they totally block out the sun. You can just hand over those kids now. No rush on the “Mother of the Year” plaque. Just drop it in the mail. Laters, y’all!

UPDATE: The judge will issue a written ruling on Monday or Tuesday. Kevin Federline was seen leaving the courtroom very happy while Britney was a sobbing mess despite having her visitation rights extended for the weekend. According to Extra, when asked by a reporter how things were going, Britney replied “Eat it, lick it, snort it, fuck it!” Someone explain to me why Britney Spears hasn’t been invited to Buckingham Palace. It just seems like she’d fit in there. You know, because she’s so classy and refined.

Original post by Suzi

On Monday’s episode of The Hills – wait, hold on, I have to drink a Mason jar full of whiskey before I continue, okay, better – Lauren Conrad decides to bring her new date model Gavin Beasley over to her ex Brody Jenner’s place for a BBQ. This may be hard for some of you to read, but the entire thing was scripted. As in, not real. As in, the show is fake. I’ll let that shocking shocking news sink in. In the meantime, Gavin spoke to VH1’s Best Week Ever yesterday about his experience on the The Hills:

On being set up with Lauren:
“Then in August I got a call from my agency to go to a casting call for Teen Vogue, and Lauren and the camera crews just so happened to be there. She remembered me from our shoot, and the next thing I know, a producer’s asking me to ask Lauren for her number, and I’m signing release forms and being shot for The Hills. They wanted me to ask her about the runway show, how long she had worked that day, when would she get off, stuff like that.”

On meeting Lauren’s ex Brody:
“Like, they totally set up the BBQ scene for Brody and I to meet each other and talk because, as they said, ‘the audience would get a kick out of seeing ‘the ex’ talking to ‘the new guy’.’ So they rent this house in Malibu for a set, bought a bunch of food and drinks, and just filmed us hanging out. Brody would talk all this sh*t, then be like, ‘Sorry about that, we’re just trying to make good television.’”

On his “date” with Lauren:
“I honestly had a really hard time talking to her - she’s kind of a conversation killer, and when the cameras are rolling, all conversation is kept firmly on the surface…. In fact, the most interesting thing I got out of her was that she isn’t allowed to eat ice cream because her trainer told her she can’t.”

Does this mean that when Heidi and Lauren are talking on their cell phones and sipping iced lattes, they’re not really talking on their cell phones and sipping lattes? No, don’t tell me. I couldn’t bear the truth. I want to keep my memories the way they are. Pure like the driven snow. Ah, I can see Lauren now, babbling away about something or another, latte pressed to her lips. You’ll always be that way to me, Lauren Conrad. Always…

And now, Heidi Montag in a bikini. Because I’m pretty sure that’s relevant somehow.

Original post by Suzi

Kim Kardashian attended the LA premiere of Somebody Help Me at the Chinese Theater last night. Fortunately for us she brought her spacious ass. And that’s all that really matters. If someone told me Kim Kardashian could talk, I’d ask, “Why? Did her butt fall off and she’s trying to tell me where to find it?” Because that’s about the only good that could come from her talking. Or maybe if there was a blackout and I needed Kim to describe what her ass looked like, I guess she could do that too. I’m all about inspiring women to dream and achieve and whatever.

Original post by Suzi

Britney Spears mom Lynne Spears will publish an auto-biography about her experiences raising celebrity children, according to Ok! Magazine:

Set for a spring 2008 release, mama Spears’ memoir will give readers and fans a revealing look into her “personal story” of grooming Britney, 25, and Jamie Lynn, 16, into big-time celebs “while coming from a low-profile Louisiana community.”

Britney Spears turned out so awesome, so I bet this book is full of useful information. I can’t wait to buy it for my mom and show her how she messed up. Why couldn’t you sell me to the Mickey Mouse Club, mom? Huh? We could be living in mansions and I could have all the Chalupas I want. But, no, you screwed it all up. I don’t need you. While you were busy not exploiting me, I hit puberty at age seven and quickly developed these pythons I call arms. They’re all the love I need.

Note: I also need the love of bikini models, grain alcohol and the occasional tank.

Original post by Suzi

Renee Zellweger attended the New York premiere of Bee Movie last night. And, Mary, mother of God, what the hell happened to her? It’s almost like she went to her stylist and said, “Make me look like a transsexual. But, you know, more pale.” I’m going to take a shot in the dark here and say that Renee Zellweger was abused by a skin pigment at a young age. Either that or she feeds off the fear of children. It’s a toss-up, really.

Original post by Suzi

Paris Hilton’s humanitarian trip to Rwanda has been postponed. The charity group Playing for Good had been organizing the trip for Paris but, due to a restructuring, the trip was pushed back. Reuters reports:

Paris has been a loyal and gracious supporter of Playing for Good, but the foundation has to regrettably reschedule this trip,” the group said in a statement.
The group said it hoped to reschedule “at a later date.”

Now what is Paris Hilton going to do? It’s not like she can use her vast wealth to fly over to Rwanda herself with some volunteers. That’s just crazy talk. When you do charity work, it’s pretty much a given that you have to make it a reality show so everyone knows how awesome you are. Otherwise you’re just helping people out for free. And that’s just ridiculous. Who does that?

Original post by Suzi