Commissioner Scott Gordon has just issued his written ruling regarding the Britney Spears/Kevin Federline custody battle. Kevin Federline will maintain custody of the children while Britney is only allowed three visits a week. Two from 12 to 7 PM and one overnight visit. A parenting coach is still required to be present. Britney is also required to provide evidence that her pool is child-proof. TMZ reports:

In the order, the Commish wrote that when Britney has the kids, “the environment at the house ranged from chaotic to almost somber with little communication at all.” The Commish also recounts what the parenting coach complained of — that “during all three of my visits, Ms. Spears rarely engaged with the children in either conversation or play.”

According to the report, the coach wrote, “It seems that [Britney’s] choices are dependent more upon what she wants to do at any given time rather than what would be more enjoyable for the children.”

The coach also provided her final conclusion on Britney’s parenting:

“The problem is that unless Ms. Spears realizes the consequences of her behavior and the impact that it has [on] her children, nothing is going to be successful.”

Really? I thought the problem is that Britney Spears is a shitty mom who likes to show off her hoo-ha and drunkenly breast-feed her kids. But I guess we’ll go with what you said. About the consequences and stuff.

Original post by Suzi

Brody Jenner is the unemployed 25-year-old son of Olympic athlete Bruce Jenner. He also occassionally pops up on MTV’s The Hills as a love interest for Lauren Conrad. While some of his co-stars have assistants, Brody has his mom, according to Page Six:

“Brody’s mom RSVP’s for him to parties,” said our source. “She called on his behalf for the L.A. Confidential Hypnotiq Halloween party Tuesday night.”

I would comment on Brody Jenner’s lameness, but, knowing what I know about The Hills, I’m 90% positive that he doesn’t even exist. In fact, I’m convinced the only person on The Hills that isn’t a fictional character is Heidi Montag. Not because she has giant boobs but, you know, because she has giant boobs.

NOTE: It’s scientifically impossible to talk about The Hills and not include pictures of Heidi Montag in a bikini. I hear there’s some people at NASA working on it, but as of yet no dice.

Original post by Suzi

David Beckham is quashing rumors that Tom Cruise is trying to convert him to Scientology. The two have been close friends since David and his wife Victoria Beckham moved to Los Angeles where Tom and Katie threw a lavish party upon their arrival. The Daily Mail reports:

“We respect their religion. We respect everything they do and believe in.
“But they have never turned around to us and said, ‘You have to be a part of this’, because that’s not what they’re about. It’s never been about that. “There’s been nothing shoved down our throats because friends don’t do things like that.”

One thing these two friends do like is practical jokes. I heard the other day that David Beckham was taking a shower, and, when he picked up a bottle of shampoo, Tom Cruise was behind it giggling like a schoolgirl! The two shared a laugh until Victoria got in the shower. Then Tom started crying and threw a pot of gold at her before disappearing in a “poof” of pixie dust. True story.

Original post by Suzi

During her mid-30’s, Madonna’s biological clock started ticking and she was desperate to have children. According to a new book released today “Madonna: Like an Icon”, she almost let the late rapper Tupac Shakur bust a kid up in there. NY Daily News reports:

The singer’s friend Alison Clarkson recalls when she was briefly dating Tupac Shakur, one year before his death.
“She was going out with him … but homegirls were saying to him, ‘I can’t believe you’re going out with a white girl,’” - so she got dumped!

Why does it have to be about race all the time? Maybe Tupac, being the forward thinker that he was, just liked vagina. Regardless of skin color. Did anyone think of that? I believe there’s a saying, “We’re all gray in the dark.” Except for the freaky pale Irish. They tend to glow.

Original post by Suzi

Josh Duhamel plays a dad-to-be on NBC’s Las Vegas and apparently his work is getting to him, because Josh wants kids and can’t wait to knock up his longtime girlfriend Fergie. Ok! Magazine reports:

“I’ve got a lot of friends with kids. Two of my friends have three kids. They all have kids except for me—so I got to get on the horse!”

Josh said his experience on Las Vegas is getting him ready for the pregnancy process:

“I’ve never been through that and it’s sort of dawned on me as I go — wait, that probably would happen. Maybe she would take it as you not being sexually attracted to her when in fact, maybe you’re just worried that you’re going to hurt the baby.” Then he joked, “And you realize you can’t hurt the baby. You’ve just got to do it doggie style. NO!”

Josh Duhamel, ladies and gentleman. Sexual daredevil. Not only is he unafraid to have sex with Fergie, but he would also do a pregnant chick. I don’t know whether to shake his hand or punch him continually in the neck until he passes out. And from there, take him to a secluded cabin where I’ll teach him that, no, it is not cool for chicks to look like dudes. I don’t care what style of sex you have. I mean, what if she turns around? Then it’s all tears and confusion and questions about your sexual identity. Just like my prom night.

Original post by Suzi

Britney Spears released her new album Blackout today. To drum up some press, because apparently there’s not enough, Jive sent out photos of a half-naked Britney sitting on the lap of a priest in a confession booth. The photos are also included in the liner notes for her new album. The Catholic Church wasn’t too thrilled about this “bottom of the barrel” stunt, according to NY Daily News:

“This is all the puzzle pieces coming together. This girl is crashing,” said Bill Donohue, president of the New York-based Catholic League. “She’s not even allowed to bring up her own kids because she’s not responsible enough. Now we see she can’t even entertain.”

Clearly Britney Spears’ publicist is ripping pages straight from the Madonna playbook. Unfortunately for them, Britney is pretty much stuck on pissing off Catholics and wearing Kabbalah bracelets. She’s barely allowed to have her own kids, so she can’t adopt one from Africa. Also the marrying Sean Penn thing is out too. Besides the fact that he has a wife, I heard that Sean Penn not only hates the Iraq war but also hates “fatty-fat fat-fat’s.” That’s a direct quote that I in no way made up.

Original post by Suzi

I debated whether or not to look at these photos of Kim Kardashian’s Playboy shoot. I was kind of hoping to see them for the first time on Christmas morning. You know, the snow is falling outside. The tree is sparkling and lit up. The whole family is abuzz with holiday cheer. I’ll take a seat near the fireplace and open up to Kim Kardashian’s photos. “Look, Grandma, a nipple! Can you believe it?” As I sip from my mug I’ll call for the children because only their innocent eyes can tell me if Kim Kardashian’s ass truly is a portal to the magical world of Narnia. Sure their parents might call the police and Aunt Sarah’s Nativity scene gets broken in the scuffle. But, darn it, that’s what the holidays are all about. Family. Oh yeah, and also sweet, heavenly asses surrounded by white fur. That too.

The photos below are totally NSFW. Unless your boss is super cool, or perhaps he’s, I dunno, Jesus. Then click away.

Original post by Suzi