Katie Price purposely flashed her panties outside of a London club last night. I guess since she’s getting a breast reduction, she figured she’d show off her vagina. Makes sense. But seriously, what is she even doing? Is there a toilet on that van or something and she really has to pee? Or is that a hemorrhoid
donut – Holy shit, it is! Whiskey. I need whiskey now! Pour it in my eyes! Hold on, brain, liquor’s coming! Don’t stop pouring until I forget my name. If I try to dry-hump the coffee table, that means it’s working.

Original post by Suzi

Eva Mendes was spotted leaving a private gym in West Hollywood yesterday. It’s been rumored she’s pregnant, and I believe it. That’s definitely a baby bump she’s hiding behind her purse. Of course, I generally leave observations like that to a real doctor. I’m just a guy who likes to lay around the house all day drinking beer in a lab coat. I tell my girlfriend I’m learning way more than I would at any old medical school. Though I think when I broke my arm the other day and poured Ny-Quil on it she knew something was up. I knew I should’ve used Pepto-Bismol.

Original post by Suzi

Lindsay Lohan is finished with snowboarder Riley Giles. She ditched him after the two had a tumultuous Thanksgiving weekend that ended with Lindsay drinking. A source for E! News talks about what went down:

On why Lindsay ditched Riley:
“She got tired of him pouting all the time.”

On why Riley was such a pouty bitch:
“It was fine when they were in Utah, just the two of them. But then they returned to L.A. and Lindsay was shooting a movie, photographers followed them everyone, she had meetings with this agent, that publicist, this director. His ego couldn’t take it.”

On why Lindsay’s friends weren’t impressed:
“They thought he was unsophisticated and told her she should have left him in Utah with his snowboard. He never paid. Yeah, we know Lindsay is the rich and famous one, but come on. Be the man once in a while!”

“Being the man” in my book actually means never paying for a date. So, kudos, Riley Giles, you’ve won my respect. Unfortunately, you can’t rub my respect on your genitals to make them stop burning. NASA’s already tried. In the meantime, they’re seeing if my raw sexuality can fuel rockets, but so far, it’s only managed to stop bullets and make female scientists suddenly feel the urge to wear a bikini. Okay, that last part was a joke. *laughs* Female scientists. Could you imagine?

Original post by Suzi

Hulk Hogan is contesting his wife Linda Bollea’s request for alimony and states in a court filing that she can support herself and son Nick. That’s if Nick even wants to stay with his mom. The Herald Tribune reports:

Hogan’s petition, filed Wednesday under his real name of Terry Bollea, also says their son Nick, who is 17 and no longer a student, is old enough to decide which parent he wants to live with.
Hogan wants the couple’s assets and liabilities equitably distributed. He intends to continue the family’s health insurance coverage, the petition states.

Basically, what Hulk is saying is, “We’ll split our shit then you and your grotesquely large boobs are on your own.” That’s fair but firm. If I were the Hulk, I would have gone for a slightly different approach; namely keeping all my money then petitioning the judge for a scissor-kick to my wife’s face. It’s fair but full of face kicking, so everyone’s a winner. And by everyone, I mean me and my moustache comb made of gold.

Original post by Suzi

Akon is facing criminal charges for tossing a fan offstage during a concert in Fishkill, NY. The charges came after a girl who was in the audience suffered a concussion when the fan landed on her. Akon must appear at Fishkill Town Court on Monday for charges of endangering the welfare of a minor and second-degree harassment, according to the Associated Press:

Audience members said that a spectator lobbed something at Akon and that the singer asked the crowd to point out the culprit. A security guard picked out a 15-year-old and sent him up to the stage, where Akon hoisted him onto his shoulders and flung him into the crowd.
The boy landed on Abby Rosa, who told the Poughkeepsie Journal she was later found to have a concussion.

I admire Akon’s dedication to the fine art of tossing suckers around. I do it all the time. In fact, the other day I threw my grandmother at a bill collector. Yeah, maybe picking up a frail elderly woman isn’t so much of a feat, but that guy from the cable company was still a block away when; Pow! Grandma to the neck! God, I wish someone caught that on tape. Besides that woman who sold it to the cops. Thanks, mom.

Original post by Suzi

In her MTV reality show A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila, Tila tries to find love with a man or a woman. The show’s premise is that Tila is bi-sexual, but a source for Page Six is saying she’s totally straight and even has a boyfriend:

“She’s made out with some girls in her past, as all girls have, but she is not bi at all.” Our insider claims that MTV works hard to pretend she’s single and available because she refuses to break up with her boyfriend, “who’s like five years older than her. This is a massive scam . . . That’s why they are not continuing with the show [for a second season], because she won’t dump him.”

And for those of you who think Tila seems pretty cool on the show, surprise, she’s a bitch:

Tequila has also been acting like “a diva” and become a “nightmare to work with,” said the source. “She arrives late and doesn’t talk to any of the contestants between takes. She complains she has too much going on.”

I don’t believe a word of this. If Tila wasn’t really bi-sexual, they’d break it down for me on The Hangover. You know, that cleverly-named investigative journalism show that comes on after A Shot at Love. Each week they interview a different contestant who gives deep, revelatory answers like “I can’t really say, you’ll just have to watch next week’s episode.” And I do!

Original post by Suzi

In her MTV reality show A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila, Tila tries to find love with a man or a woman. The show’s premise is that Tila is bi-sexual, but a source for Page Six is saying she’s totally straight and even has a boyfriend:

“She’s made out with some girls in her past, as all girls have, but she is not bi at all.” Our insider claims that MTV works hard to pretend she’s single and available because she refuses to break up with her boyfriend, “who’s like five years older than her. This is a massive scam . . . That’s why they are not continuing with the show [for a second season], because she won’t dump him.”

And for those of you who think Tila seems pretty cool on the show, surprise, she’s a bitch:

Tequila has also been acting like “a diva” and become a “nightmare to work with,” said the source. “She arrives late and doesn’t talk to any of the contestants between takes. She complains she has too much going on.”

I don’t believe a word of this. If Tila wasn’t really bi-sexual, they’d break it down for me on The Hangover. You know, that cleverly-named investigative journalism show that comes on after A Shot at Love. Each week they interview a different contestant who gives deep, revelatory answers like “I can’t really say, you’ll just have to watch next week’s episode.” And I do!

Original post by Suzi