Kelly Brook launched “Kelly Brook Lingerie for New Look” in London today. Jessica Simpson could learn a thing or two here. She had the first step right, she showed off the big guns. I’ll give her that. But her British counterpart Kelly Brook went the extra mile and brought in some lingerie models. That’s how you launch something. I hope you’re taking notes, Jessica. No, you’re not. You’re eating the pen. That’s a start, I suppose. Just don’t swallow the ink agai– ah, shit. Hello, poison control? Yeah, the Simpson place. Ha ha, you know us. Anyway, just come right in. I believe we gave you guys a key when you were here this morning. No, no. The second time. Right, the swallowed battery.

Original post by Suzi

David Copperfield is currently under investigation for allegedly raping a woman at his private resort in the Bahamas. David has an elaborate system set-up with his employees to help him meet women. This system is so detailed that David Copperfield provides his workers with an instruction manual for locating “scorpions” which is a code used for women the magician is particularly interested in. TMZ reports:

The document describes how the assistants need to be heads-up for attractive women whom David can meet backstage after the performance. We’re told the plan is to keep boyfriends and husband in the arena, adding “from time to time, boyfriends and husbands will give us a hard time and refuse to stay. If that is the case, try your best to get them to stay and refer to the “What to Say” sheet for help.”

And it gets creepier.

According to the document, “On occasion David will have you pull in both scorpions even if he is only interested in one of them, just for comfort.”

Another part of the document sounds eerily similar to the circumstances surrounding the rape allegations against David Copperfield:

The assistants are told to sell the women before David arrives backstage. They’re supposed to say: “Do you know that David has recently bought some islands in the Bahamas? Well they are BEAUTIFUL and we are doing a lot of project (sic) for these islands: Ads, TV, Radio and many other promotions. So we like (sic) to keep in touch with you in case there is a job in the future we think you would be interested in.”

Maybe instead of all the cloak and dagger bullshit, David Copperfield should just end his show with a simple offer: “Hey, I’m freaking rich beyond belief and recently purchased my own set of islands in the Bahamas. If you’re a young woman no older than thirty and is into that sort of thing, we should totally do it backstage. Thanks for coming out tonight, folks. Have a wonderful evening.” See, it works on so many levels. It’s simple. It’s honest. And, I dunno, no one has to fly twelve hours home to take a rape kit. Sorry, David Copperfield, but that’s usually not a cool way to end a date. At least not the first one.

Original post by Suzi

Britney Spears went shopping for a lamp yesterday in Los Angeles while her children sat in the car with the parenting coach. Damn, uh, she looks awesome. There’s really nothing more attractive then a woman whose lips look like they were slammed in a car door. What can I say? I love those babies nice and swollen. Swollen all the way to Sexy-town. It’s Bwibney, Bwibch!

Original post by Suzi

Christina Aguilera finally confirmed her pregnancy in the latest issue of Glamour. She will “enter into mommyhood” next year, according to People:

“I want to get it right,” she is quoted as saying.
Describing the reaction of the father-to-be – Aguilera’s husband, music executive Jordan Bratman, 30 – she says, “He’s thrilled! He’s just great.”
Aguilera also says she finds Bratman (who, like her, hails from New York) “so supportive and amazing through everything. He came with me on the last leg of the tour and he was my support system. … I gush. I’m a lucky girl.”

I would’ve never guessed. For a while there I could only come up with one explanation why Christina Aguilera kept getting larger and shopping at baby boutique stores. I’m embarrassed to say it, but I thought she was eating babies. Hence the extra weight. The boutique items she purchased were, of course, part of an elaborate trap to lure the little ones in. I just assumed she learned that from her husband who employed similar techniques during his time roaming the Pacific Northwest. Man, I was way off. She’s just pregnant – with that dude’s child. On second thought I like my theory better. Less gross.

Original post by Suzi

Katie Holmes ran the New York City marathon yesterday. Tom Cruise and their daughter Suri were on hand to watch Katie tackle the 26 mile trek. She had been training for months in Berlin, where Tom was filming his new movie Valkyrie, and at home, according to Ok! Magazine:

“Kate is determined to finish the race,” a source close to the couple revealed to OK! at the time. “She’s as fit and toned as ever.”

Katie, 28, remained just another runner until she entered the stretch, along Manhattan’s 1st Avenue, where a clandestinely dressed Tom awaited her to give her a congratulatory kiss. Sources tell OK! that her superstar hubby had also planned on throwing a huge bash in a tent in Central Park near Tavern on the Green, with all her family flown in from Ohio. Katie finished the race in 5 hours, 29 minutes and 58 seconds.

There’s no doubt Katie Holmes is in shape, and I’m sure Tom encouraged her work-out regimen. He wanted to make sure she was strong and toned. Maybe flatten those breasts down. “I mean, who needs them?” Tom probably asked. “In fact,” he would add, “Have you noticed how fast my heterosexual buddy David Beckham is? You know what gives him that speed? His penis. Yeah, it’s like science or something. I read it in a book somewhere. Anyway, it’s something to think about. Don’t rush into a decision. Should you say yes, I might have a doctor in the next room. I mean, he’s just here to watch some football but, you know, if you really want to be the best runner you can be, this guy does some awesome work. In fact, when you went to the store, I got myself another penis. Check it out. Haha, it’s a tail!”

NOTE: You know what else slows you down? Bras. Katie Holmes knows what’s up.

Original post by Suzi

Transformers star Shia LeBeouf was arrested around 2:30 a.m. Sunday morning at a Chicago Walgreens after he refused to leave the store, according to CBS News:

A security guard repeatedly told LaBeouf that he wasn’t welcome and had to leave because he appeared to be drunk, police said.
When the actor refused to leave, the security guard detained him and called police.
After he was arrested, LaBeouf was “very courteous and polite,” and he posted bond before 7 a.m., police said.

Here’s what’s sad about this post. This is the most scandalous piece of celebrity gossip that happened all weekend. Shia LabiaOf (sp?) gets a bit tipsy, wanders into a pharmacy and has to spend the night in the drunk tank. He didn’t even do something cool like steal a police cruiser. Lame. I’m going to read something more interesting. Like the ingredients off a box of cereal. 25% riboflavin! NO WAY!

Original post by Suzi

Sure, Halloween was last week but I don’t think I need to justify posting pics of Alessandra Ambrosio dressed up as a Playboy Bunny on this site. Some things just belong together. Like peanut butter and jelly. Or, I dunno, my nads and laser beams. I didn’t want to give too good of an example, but sometimes I can’t help myself. Call me a wizard of words if you must. I just think of myself as a simple man. Who fires laser beams from his crotch. Nothing special.

Original post by Suzi