Paris Hilton filed a lawsuit against Hallmark for using her likeness on a greeting card without her permission. Hallmark’s lawyers recently responded to the suit and totally owned Paris Hilton in the process. TMZ reports:

The company’s motion to dismiss said, “Hilton has become a household name, based in large part on her efforts to draw attention to herself. Having done so, she has subjected herself to public scrutiny and the parodist’s pen. The First Amendment does not allow her to respond by welcoming the fawning and flattering, but silencing the critical and comical.”

In layman’s terms Hallmark basically asked Paris Hilton to accept the fact she’s a press grabbing whore and, also, kindly shut the fuck up. Or something to that effect. It’s been a while since I practiced law. Still a tad rusty, but I think I caught the gist of it.

Original post by Suzi

Mickey Rourke was arrested for driving his Vespa drunk after leaving a Miami nightclub early this morning. The actor claimed he wasn’t drinking but then failed to pass a field sobriety test. Fred Montana, a photographer for the Palm Beach Post, was hoping to catch pictures of Jennifer Lopez after her concert when he bumped into Mickey Rourke entering the club:

“They came back out two hours later and crossed Washington Avenue to go to his scooter,” Montana said. “They both got on it, and he did a U-turn to go north. He was pulled over within a block.
“The cop says to him: ‘You swerved right in front of me.’ And Mickey answered: ‘No, no, dude, I’m all right.’”
Actually, according to the arrest report, Rourke also let out a four-letter bomb when he was stopped. Cops say the actor had a flushed face and bloodshot and watery eyes and that his speech was slurred.

Really, Mickey Rourke? A Vespa? This almost destroys all the badass cred you’ve built up over the years. Don’t get me wrong, when you quit acting at the height of your career and became a boxer. That was hardcore. You totally got your face mangled despite being voted one of the most beautiful men in Hollywood at the time. Then you made a comeback and starred in Sin City where you tore shit up. But, Jesus, a Vespa? That almost puts you at square one, dude. I don’t even know how you’ll bounce back from this one. Unless you fight me; Mano a mano. Or tank vs. tank. Which I’m all for. Call me; I know a dude. That is if you’re not feeling too crampy or bloated. What with your uterus and all.

Original post by Suzi

Ali Larter was at the launch of the DKNY Delicious Night fragrance in New York last night. I’m not quite sure what’s up with her dress. I’ll just assume a giant tried to use her as a pen. Anyway, I really dig Ali Larter’s character on Heroes. It’s the most accurate depiction of a woman I’ve ever seen on television. One minute she’s all sweet and loving, then holy crap, she goes batshit crazy and karate chops you in the solar plexus before shooting you in the leg. Reminds me of growing up. Of course my mother was a martial arts instructor and my dad loved hookers. Like a lot. He even got me one for Christmas when I was six. Still love you for that one, pop. Although in retrospect, perhaps that wasn’t the best year to buy mom a gun. I’m pretty sure she wanted a microwave. Well that, and for my virginity to last at least another ten more years. Ha, mom sure was a nut, wasn’t she?

Original post by Suzi

Lawyers for Britney Spears and Kevin Federline met in court today to discuss Britney’s inability to be available for randomized drug tests. She failed to respond to 8 out of 14 requests. Kevin’s lawyer claims Britney lives in a “parallel universe” and reminded the judge that she has already been reprimanded three times for not providing an accurate phone number, according to People:

Spears’s lawyer, Anne Kiley, called the current drug testing procedure “unconstitutional,” adding that just because the singer may fail to respond to testing calls doesn’t mean she’s using drugs. Kiley also pointed out that Spears has passed multiple tests successfully.

Explaining why Spears frequently changes her phone number, Kiley said the singer’s number often falls into the wrong hands.
When Commissioner Gordon stated that responding to a morning call wasn’t an extreme request, Kiley shot back: “But you’re not a pop star with a No. 1 album to promote.”

You mean the No. 2 album on Billboard? The one Britney Spears label can’t even trust her to promote? I believe the day it came out she sat around eating fried chicken and watching movies. But, yeah, you’re right that’s some back-breaking labor. Britney should get a night’s rest. She also needs her energy to single-handedly keep the Malibu fast food business in the black. It’s tough work, but, God love her, she’s a fighter.

Original post by Suzi

Duane “Dog” Chapman appeared on Larry King Live for another round of public apologizing. I decided to post some pics of Dog and his wife Beth leaving the studio because you can’t help but stare at them. It’s like a fat woman smuggling watermelons in her ridiculously low top. But with the hilarity of extreme sunglasses. Also, scope out Larry King. Seriously, who’s dressing this guy? His outfit sort of says “Hey, I’m on my way to one of those independent rock n’ roll performances the young people talk about. Right after I drink my Metamucil.”

Original post by Suzi

A Catholic priest from Boston was arrested for stalking Conan O’ Brien in New York yesterday. The forty six year old priest David Ajemian tried to enter a filming of “Late Night with Conan O’ Brien” at NBC studios when police stopped him, according to NY Daily News:

The priest allegedly had been sending the TV host threatening e-mails, postcards and letters since September 2006 and now faces charges of aggravated harassment and stalking.
Father Ajemian is now under psychiatric evaluation. The Archdiocese of Boston says he has been placed on leave and is not permitted to minister publicly.

That’s odd. The Catholic Church hardly ever threatens people. I mean, unless you read The Da Vinci Code, use birth control, are Kevin Smith, work at an abortion clinic, insult Mel Gibson, get a divorce, press charges for stuff that may have happened when you were an altar boy, pose provocatively in a confession booth, are Madonna, totally dig gay marriage or claim the Holocaust is real. But, yeah, other than that; very calm people.

Note: If any perturbed Catholics want to personally give me some fire and brimstone, I’m a nice guy, so allow me to help: click here for my picture. Make sure you really commit my face to memory. Because I totally want to atone for my sins. Feel free to use whatever methods you feel necessary. Might I suggest a Buick to the nuts? It’s what Jesus would do.

Original post by Suzi

Jennifer Lopez confirmed her pregnancy during a concert in Miami last night and the crowd went insane at the announcement. Even her husband Marc Anthony was surprised. He didn’t think she was going to talk and reveal their secret. They were hiding it so well. People reports:

Lopez thanked the audience for the applause and said, “We are happy, too.” She then turned sideways to reveal her profile and show off her very noticeable bump. She also playfully stuck out her tongue.

Oh, you’re a sneaky one, Jennifer Lopez. You totally had us fooled. Talk about diabolical. Fortunately for you it’s completely normal for an accomplished dancer to start waddling on stage because of a sudden increase in weight. Particularly in the stomach area. Yeah, that happens all the time – to pregnant chicks! I swear to God the next celebrity that tries to playfully deny she’s having a kid is getting a surprise sonogram from me. Except it won’t be sexy like my business card promises. Okay, maybe just a little. Gotta keep things professional.

Original post by Suzi