Britney Spears’ people have found a new excuse for her botched drug test after the Provigil claim was debunked. They’re blaming her inhaler which is also a highly unlikely cause. TMZ reports:

Now the same source says the drug that showed up may have been Albuterol, an asthma drug. But, again, we checked and Albuterol is not an amphetamine, and the class of drug that showed up on the test was an amphetamine.

Other items that will be blamed for Britney’s failed drug test: Vick’s Vapo-Rub. Voodoo. John Stamos. An apple. And Flintstone’s Chewable Vitamins. My money’s on John Stamos. You know, as long as they don’t use a bunch of science and stuff to figure out it’s coke.

Original post by Suzi

Elisha Cuthbert and her new hairdo were spotted at Hyde last night. I have to say this style looks way better on her than it does on Tom Cruise. See what I did there? I’m like a word assassin. You never know where I’m coming from. I am curious though, when Elisha went to the hairstylist did she ask to look like Ricky Schroeder? Only, you know, less feminine? Because mission accomplished.

Original post by Suzi

As if sensing that I needed validation for my post where I claim Ryan Phillippe’s son would rather be the offspring of a pizza delivery driver, Us Weekly brings us news that Ryan bawled and cried like a little girl after his divorce from Reese Witherspoon:

“I was a physical wreck. I wanted to die…. I was ready to kill myself. I was not taking care of myself at all. I would wake up and cry and vomit.”

However, the experience has made Ryan Phillippe a better actor. He can now cry on cue:

“Now, it’s fucking easy,” he says. “When I was younger, I didn’t have enough to cry about. But since I’ve had kids, I feel my work has become better, because my life is fuller and more complicated, and I’ve experienced so many highs and lows.”

Alright, let’s talk about crying. If a man’s seeing a beautiful woman naked for the first time and tears fill his eyes; not very cool. Perhaps he’d cry less if it were a dude. If he’s been shot in the stomach and probably going to die, it’s marginally acceptable to cry but frowned upon. There’s really only one acceptable time for a grown man to cry, and that’s when one of those Ewoks dies in Return of the Jedi. I mean, not that I do or anything. So what if they’re just cute, innocent little teddy bears that live in trees and want to blow stuff up. That doesn’t get to me. *sniff* No, man, I’m a castle of manliness. *sniff* Excuse me, I’m going to curl up in the fetal position for a little while and, uh, think about how much I love girls and steaks. And fixing tanks with my shirt off. Yeah, all that stuff I just said.

Original post by Suzi

Apparently elephants are getting wasted on rice beer and terrorizing parts of northeast India. Ah, peer pressure. Activists are trying to keep the elephants away from the booze and, in a bizarre twist, they’ve found a champion: Paris Hilton. Paris went on record in Tokyo last week about this tragic chain of events, according to the AP:

“The elephants get drunk all the time. It is becoming really dangerous. We need to stop making alcohol available to them.”
Last month, six wild elephants that broke into a farm in the state of Meghalaya were electrocuted after drinking the potent brew and then uprooting an electricity pole.
“There would have been more casualties if the villagers hadn’t chased them away. And four elephants died in a similar way three years ago. It is just so sad,” Hilton was quoted as saying.

So some elephants got a bit tipsy and tore down some power lines. Big deal. I do that all the time. Then I usually go home and puke in the vegetable crisper. Whenever the maid sees it, I’m like, “Maybe you should cook more vegetables then they wouldn’t look like that.” But the Jack Daniels label kind of tips her off. I gotta stop drinking the whole bottle. I don’t care if those kids on the playground keep daring me to. Although I really shouldn’t drink in the middle of their morning recess. Or at least move over by the sandbox and hang with the quiet kid. Sure, he might have a few too many imaginary friends and eats the sand, but, what really matters is, he’s not a cop. The end.

Original post by Suzi

A bunch of Victoria’s Secret models including Heidi Klum, Alessandra Ambrosio and Adriana Lima landed in L.A. today. What a gathering of beautiful, uh, minds and personalities. Yes, I can imagine these ladies spent their flight discussing literature, politics and, actually, I’m not even going to bother keeping up this façade. Let’s be real. What I can seriously imagine is dropping my pants, handing the pilot a fifty and telling him to hit enough turbulence that I bounce around the fuselage like an over-sexed rubber ball. You know, for a few minutes, hours or until the plane runs of out fuel and we crash into a deserted island - hopefully. I mean, I kind of gave him a fifty. I think I deserve my money’s worth.

Original post by Suzi

Okay, I don’t get to do this very often, but I’m bringing you some exclusive news*: Paris Hilton is pregnant. Scope out that baby bump underneath her maternity dress. Oh, yeah, it’s on. While you gals plan the baby shower I’ll be stockpiling ammunition and canned goods for the coming collapse of civilization. Do you think I can fit a missile launcher in my basement? I think there’s room next to the Jacuzzi which, you know, is definitely staying. I’ll need that baby to seduce the few remaining women and repopulate the planet with my super seed. Or at least that’s what I’ll tell them. Actually, none of this is very different from my current routine except afterwards I won’t laugh and yell “Gotcha!” But then it won’t really be making love…

*This exclusive news may or may not have been completely made up by me and based on absolutely no facts whatsoever.

Original post by Suzi

Amy Winehouse visited her husband Blake Fielder-Civil for the first time today. Blake is in prison on charges of witness tampering. Amy was looking “visibly distraught” during the visit, according to the Daily Mail:

The strain appears to be taking its toll on the Rehab singer, who was teary eyed as she stopped into a store near the jail to pick up some supplies for her man.

Amy, who wore a checked red shirt, jeans and scuffed ballet flats, was spotted buying a 20-pack of cigarettes and some of his favourite snacks.

Question: How the hell can you make a comment that Amy Winehouse looks visibly distraught? As opposed to what? Looking visibly cracked out? Visibly drunk off her ass? Visibly suicidally thin? I mean, check out the shots of her picking up some smokes for her husband. She goes from looking like the gray clouds of England burn her skin to petting a dude’s coat. How do you distinguish distraught on that face? I’ve seen homeless guys trying to have sex with garbage cans who have their shit more pulled together than Amy.

Original post by Suzi