Brandon Davis hit the hair salon over the weekend and the professionals wouldn’t touch him without gloves on. Stylists at the Frederic Fakkai Salon were appalled at Brandon’s grease to hair ratio, according to Page Six:

“Even the shampoo person wore gloves,” said a source. “He [Davis] was really out of it, sweating profusely. His eyes were half shut and he was asking for carrot juice, even after they told him they only had orange juice.”

So that’s his secret; carrot juice. All this time I was dunking my head in deep fryers, hanging out with mechanics, and laying on the floor of Britney Spears’ car. But, now I know how to get that masculine, greasy look: carrot juice. Of course, it’s so simple. I’m totally getting laid tonight. More than usual that is. I wonder if carrot juice will also make my pecs sparkle like a diamond. A sex diamond.

Note: I have no idea what a sex diamond is nor did I fund several unsuccessful expeditions into the heart of Africa that left me broke and living out of a dumpster. I’m not that big into shiny objects. Ooh, a brand new spoon! Yay!

Original post by Suzi

Lance Armstrong’s daughter brought his new girlfriend Ashley Olsen to school for show and tell. Usually kids bring in things like rocks, frogs or their dad’s porn collection. But his girlfriend? I dunno. Radar reports:

One of the part-eunuch biker’s young daughters (he has twins) had the honor of taking a more realistic (though slightly less boobtastic) Barbie to her class for observation. Yes, daddy’s lady love Ashley Olsen was recently shown and told about at the young girl’s Texas school.
“Celebrities do this all the time,” the source said.

Wow, I learned a lot from that article. Especially about Lance Armstrong’s missing testicle and Ashley Olsen’s small boobs. These two will make a great couple, you know, because they lack the necessary body parts to have sex. Which is good. Saves them from an evening of disappointment, crying and, I’ll assume based on Ashley’s outfit, archeology. Or cattle herding. I can’t decide, but I do know it will involve scarfs.

Original post by Suzi

Britney Spears had some clandestine liposuction done on her hips and ass while in Las Vegas over the weekend, according to the Daily Mail:

The 25-year-old was reportedly house hunting in Las Vegas at the weekend, but sources say she had some nip and tuck while there.
It’s not the first time Britney has turned to cosmetic procedures in a desperate bid to improve her appearance - she had her pout plumped just last month.

It was also reported she had liposuction in Vegas last April, which the star denies.

I almost believe Britney didn’t have lipo done in April. I mean, I saw the VMAs. Then again, she did have five whole months to put the weight back on. Which means she could’ve feasibly left the lipo clinic looking like an Olsen twin, if not thinner. You see, Britney Spears is kind of like Wolverine. She can regenerate instantaneously but lacks the awesomeness of hand claws. Also, she’s not a fictional character and unfortunately resides in the real world. In spite of her children’s nightly prayers.

Original post by Suzi

Victoria’s Secret Angels Heidi Klum, Alessandra Ambrosio and others posed in front of the Kodak Theater on Hollywood in honor of Victoria’s Secret 25th Anniversary yesterday. Oh, so that’s why they were all on that plane. Here I thought it was for something awesome. Like naked pudding gymnastics. Or naked ninja pudding fights. Or maybe even something as sweet as naked tank wars – in pudding.

A ton more pics after the jump.

Note: This post brought to you by pudding. I had some for lunch. While possibly naked.

Original post by Suzi

Christina Aguilera attended the nationwide launch of Rock The Vote at the Kitson store in Los Angeles last night. You know what makes me love democracy and America and freedom? Pregnant chicks. If you couldn’t tell by the Paris Hilton posts and now this one, I’m feeling very patriotic today. I think I deserve my own monument like the one they made for George Washington. But obviously bigger and with a moat. Maybe add some machine gun turrets on the sides and a Civil War cannon on the top. Yeah, you got me. I want it to be an exact replica of my penis. Right down to the handicap-accessible ramps.

Original post by Suzi

Paris Hilton attempted to be an exotic dancer at Club Marquee in New York early this morning. It’s kind of sad to watch Paris attempt to press her breasts together. It’s like watching an ant try to move a dump truck. It ain’t happening. At least for her anyway. The ant has a good shot, and not just because I gave him steroids last night because I was bored. Yeah, my Xbox broke so I decided to play God. I also replaced my feet with skis so I’m totally going to kick ass this winter. Even though I, uh, live in the desert. Hmm, maybe I should’ve thought this through a little more. I think I need a doctor. Now where did I park my dog-car…

Original post by Suzi

The FBI was called to investigate a “verbal altercation” that occurred on a flight between John Stamos and an unidentified woman on Monday. John was asleep during the flight when the woman, also a first class passenger, decided to wake him up. E! Online reports:

The woman then persisted in trying to get the actor’s attention after he told her he wanted to sleep. Then, when he got up to use the restroom, she informed him she would wait in his seat until he returned.
After Stamos got back to his seat, the woman persisted in trying to chat with him, refusing flight attendants’ urging to go back to her own first-class seat and repeatedly tapping Stamos on the hand.

John Stamos opted not to press charges. Wow, what a nice guy. That’s good though. This lady is in enough trouble as it is. Just wait until her husband finds out that she was on a plane and disturbing a man’s slumber. Cleary she doesn’t pay any attention to the rules he wrote in black marker on that sheet over the bed. See what happens when you don’t stay at home and cook a hot, delicious meal while folding laundry? Yeah, the FBI shows up. Thank God we live in such an awesome country. Now you see why I salute the flag every morning. You know, besides being drunk.

Original post by Suzi