Elizabeth Hurley attended the Grey Goose Vodka and Elton John AIDS Foundation Launch Party last night. Wait, somebody threw a party that had two things I love in the same room: Hot old chicks and booze? Thanks for the invitation, Elton John. No, really, I didn’t want to donate this ridiculously huge check to your cause anyway. Okay, so maybe at your last event my check bounced and I shoved half the open bar in my tux. I still maintain that no one can prove I “goosed” Sharon Stone’s ass. Despite a videotape of me doing so and yelling “Goose-monster!” That tape was doctored. My pecs are way bigger and everyone knows I’m a boob man. (Note to self: Remove all Kim Kardashian posts. Proceed to laugh manically while rubbing hands together. Also, we’re out of Pop Tarts.)

Original post by Suzi

Court papers in Britney Spears custody battle with Kevin Federline have revealed the pop singer is blowing through her roughly $700,000 monthly salary. Entertainment insiders and analysts aren’t surprised. They say the way she spends, Britney will share the same fate as M.C. Hammer, according to FOX News:

“Most high earners, like celebrities, should view themselves like ballplayers do,” said Everett Weinberger, a financial adviser at Merrill Lynch. “You need to put away money right at the beginning, assuming that it may end. … Young people can be very shortsighted, forgetting that they’re not going to be famous forever.”

Don’t worry, Britney Spears will be famous forever. People kind of remember when you crash your car into an oil trunk and take out half a city block because you used a taco wrapper to get the last drop of whipped cream from the bottom of your Frappucino. That sort of thing doesn’t really blow over. Wait, did I just predict the future in an eerily detailed fashion again? Shit, why can I do that for Britney Spears, but not at the horse tracks? Hold up, never mind. It’s right here in this contract I signed with Satan. Guess I should’ve read the part where it says “Does not apply to gambling.” Don’t see how I missed that. Though writing it in a glowing-red boldface font that floats above the paper seems a bit excessive.

Original post by Suzi

Hayden Panettiere has learned there’s a warrant out for her arrest in Japan because of her dolphin-saving adventure a few weeks ago. The actress and a couple of activists rode surfboards into a cove off the cost of Taiji in an attempt to steer dolphins away from fishing boats. Despite the legal consequences, Hayden told E! News she’s proud of the experience:

She said she was thrilled that the incident was receiving international attention, as it could result in educating others about the dolphins’ plight.
“In this town, you tend to be able to get publicity when you’re not wearing underwear or [you’re] in rehab,” Panettiere said.
“I was very excited that people were interested in what we did.”

If Japanese officials want me to hunt Hayden Panettiere down and bring her in for justice, I’m on it. I’ve got all kinds of stuff to bait her in; things that chicks can’t resist. I’ve got an ironing board, some Tupperware and I’m pretty sure I can get my hands on a sewing machine. Also my car is fully equipped to hold a woman captive. I mean, lovingly restrain her. And I’d like to state for the record the dome light sprayed knock-out gas when I bought it. Yeah, I definitely didn’t modify it myself after watching an episode of Batman. I don’t even know how to go down the hardware store by the bus station and ask for Jim then pay him in Marlboro’s. I think that’s how my lawyer told me to word it. Or maybe it was “No comment.” Eh, close enough.

Note: I added some pictures of Hayden Panettiere sitting on Kristen Bell’s lap in a Lamborghini. You know, because I love journalism so much.

Original post by Suzi

Fabio seems to be enjoying his few moments of quasi-relevancy and is talking about his encounter with George Clooney at an L.A. restaurant a few weeks back. Fabio claims George is a “low-class scumbag” that picks on women which prompted the male model to take action, according to Ok! Magazine:

“He was drunk and thought people were taking pictures of him. So I went to the table and explained to him that we were having a charity dinner and I said, ‘You’re more than welcome to come to my table and see if there was a picture of you.’ I apologized and he started being rude so I put him in his place. After I put him in his place — you know I’m three times his size — he got a little scared. I went back to my table and as soon as I sit down he paid his bill, got up and he started insulting the girls. He called the women names. At that point I lost my temper. I went after him and he ran out of the restaurant…. You should be a gentleman. These women were with me and as a man I defend them. He was lucky he ran out of the restaurant. He’s not even half a man.”

While George Clooney might be a drunk that picks on chicks, at least he never did commercials for “I Can’t Believe it’s Not Butter.” If I was Fabio, I’d be embarrassed to show my perfectly sculpted body in public. Do you think he ever, I dunno, rubbed some of that not-butter on his chest? Maybe while he was at home, alone and feeling kind of curious. A, uh, friend wanted to know. A female friend. Yeah, with a vagina. Phew, totally dodged that bullet. I should be in The Matrix.

Original post by Suzi

Britney Spears ran over another photographer’s foot last night at the Four Seasons Hotel in Beverly Hills, according to TMZ:

The paps refused to move, despite several warnings and documented footage of how Britney rolls. Moments later, Brit shockingly rolled her new wheels over a guy’s foot.

I’m a guy who loves danger a lot. I’m all for death-defying adventure like kick-boxing grizzly bears or knife tag. That being said, I wouldn’t get within 100 yards of Britney Spears behind the wheel of a car. Or even a golf cart. Actually, if she had roller skates on I’d probably run for the hills like a frightened schoolgirl. Though I’m pretty sure NASA hasn’t invented a pair of skates that strong. They’re too busy trying to get monkeys to mate on the moon or something. I can’t really say I’m all that familiar with their work. But I admire their passion for science and monkey sex. Inspiring stuff.

Original post by Suzi

Jessica Alba poses on the red carpet during the premiere of Awake in New York last night. Wow, I’ll tell you something that is awake after looking at these pictures. Aw, is someone grumpy this morning? You want some coffee? No, you’re going straight for the liquor cabinet. I don’t really think schnapps is part of a balanced breakfast. Oh, again with the laser beams. Very cute. Jesus! You blew up the toaster! Great, what if I wanted some tasty Eggo waffles? Just drink your schnapps and watch cartoons - or, okay, porn, fine whatever. So, uh, listen, about your part of the rent. Hey, power down those balls when I’m talking to you.

Original post by Suzi

Jessica Alba poses on the red carpet during the premiere of Awake in New York last night. Wow, I’ll tell you something that is awake after looking at these pictures. Aw, is someone grumpy this morning? You want some coffee? No, you’re going straight for the liquor cabinet. I don’t really think schnapps is part of a balanced breakfast. Oh, again with the laser beams. Very cute. Jesus! You blew up the toaster! Great, what if I wanted some tasty Eggo waffles? Just drink your schnapps and watch cartoons - or, okay, porn, fine whatever. So, uh, listen, about your part of the rent. Hey, power down those balls when I’m talking to you.

Original post by Suzi