Paris Hilton has a new sex tape floating around although this one is entirely lacking in the sex department. It’s basically Paris taking a shower while Rick Salomon tapes it and creepily narrates. The Sun reports:

It is thought this new footage was discovered earlier this year when Paris forgot to pay the rent on her storage vault. A website called Parisexposed.com then released the footage on the net, although Paris obtained a temporary injunction against them.
Now, the footage has reappeared on YouTube, with stronger versions available on US websites.

I think it’s cute what Rick Salomon is doing and not just the videotaping. It’s obvious he’s trying to get Paris to scrub the herpes off. Nice effort, but it ain’t happening. Believe me, I tried it with her once myself. I went through an entire case of soap, four shower heads and enough water to make Al Gore shit a hybrid car. When the suds cleared, I swear tentacles came out and tried to grab me. That vagina was angry, my friends. And it wanted vengeance. Fortunately for me, poor Adrien Grenier was nearby in case my experiment worked. *sniff* Now what show am I supposed to watch where four bros say “dawg” all the time and I contemplate drinking anti-freeze? Besides I Love New York 2.

Click the image above to view the full NSFW video.

Original post by Suzi

Britney Spears hired a private investigator yesterday to keep an eye on her ex-husband Kevin Federline. Upon finding out, Kevin’s lawyers immediately pissed themselves laughing. Us Weekly reports:

“I think that if that is what they need to do, or have to do, to have at it,” Federline’s counsel, Mark Vincent Kaplan, tells Usmagazine.com. “I don’t think it will, in anyway, be a good expenditure of funds. But I can’t stop that from happening.”

Mark Kaplan also stated that Kevin Federline could care less about the news:

“I don’t think he would be concerned about it, and I don’t think he has to change anything he is doing in order to address that.”

I don’t know what Britney’s hoping to accomplish. It’s not like Kevin Federline is murdering cocktail waitresses in his basement or something. And even if he was, would it make a difference? Not really. In the meantime, Britney Spears should just focus on whatever it is that she does. Which appears to be driving a car with a blanket on her head. Hmm, kind of an unorthodox way to win back custody of your kids, and some might say a recipe for vehicular manslaughter, but at least she’s trying.

Original post by Suzi

Dennis Quaid’s newborn twins were accidentally given a massive dose of Herparin - an anti-coagulant - at Cedars-Sinai Hospital on Sunday. The twin babies Thomas Boone and Zoe Grace, who were born November 8, are in the neo-natal intensive care unit after receiving 10,000 units of the anti-coagulant. To emphasize the seriousness of this mistake, babies are only supposed to get 10 units. TMZ reports:

Late Sunday night, both babies started to “bleed out.” Both babies are now at Cedars in the neo-natal intensive care unit where we’re told they are stable.
We’re told a technician stored the Heparin in the wrong place, and when a nurse grabbed the medicine for the babies without looking — it was the wrong dosage.
A source says the babies are now being given Protamine, which reverses the effects of Heparin.

Jesus, man, that’s insane. Poor Dennis Quaid and his wife. When I have a kid the last thing I want to hear are the words “bleed out” in relation to my child. I want to hear things like “My God, it’s the size of a buick. Nurse, fetch my sketch book.” Or “Did he have that pot of gold in his mother’s uterus the whole time?” This, on the other hand, is some serious stuff. All funny business aside, I hope Dennis Quaid’s kids pull through so his family can have a happy holiday.

Original post by Suzi

Owen Wilson took his new girlfriend supermodel Le Call to Hawaii for a couple of days of sun and relaxation. It’s good to see Owen Wilson enjoying life and getting back to the simple pleasures. Like banging supermodels and jet-setting to Hawaii at a moment’s notice. You know, normal day-to-day stuff that the rest of us take for granted. Kind of makes you stop and think about how good you have it. This afternoon, on my third flight of the day to Hawaii to have sex with a model, I’m going to really enjoy it this time and not just go through the motions. Somebody fetch me my Superman cape and giant #1 finger.

Original post by Suzi

Kim Kardashian picked up a coffee while shopping on Robertson Blvd yesterday in Los Angeles and lucky for us she wore the velour tracksuit. It’s almost like she has a Death Star permanently attached to her lower back. I bet that thing could fire beams that destroy entire planets. And can you imagine having sex with that thing? I know I can. Though the apartment above me probably wishes I didn’t “imagine” so much. Hey, how was I supposed to know your TV’s right above my bed? You never invite me over for beer and porn like a good neighbor. Who cares if you’re a 90-year-old woman? Friendship doesn’t have an age limit.

Original post by Suzi

Mary-Kate Olsen was hospitalized with a kidney infection yesterday. She went to the emergency room of a New York hospital where she was admitted. Her people say she’s doing fine and will recover soon, according to People:

“Mary-Kate got a kidney infection,” says rep Nicole Caruso. “She’s resting comfortably and will be released in the next day or so.”

During the winter months, do the Olsen twins hire somebody to catch them in case it’s a windy day? Because, honestly, I don’t see how people are safely walking around the streets of New York this time of year with these two on the loose. Aw, crap, there’s something in my eye. Dammit, it’s an Olsen twin again. Does anyone have a rock I can weigh her down with? This is getting ridiculous. Shit, I lost her! Alright, who’s the genius that exhaled?

Original post by Suzi

Remember when Britney Spears arrived on the scene and she was marketed as the wholesome little girl that was saving herself for marriage but just loved sexy outfits? Turns out it was all an elaborate ruse, according to Us Weekly:

But lawyer Eric Ervin, who worked with Spears as a teenager, tells Us Weekly in its new cover story that the “virgin” image Spears portrayed was, in his words, a “PR blitz.” In fact, Us reports in its new issue that Spears lost her virginity at 14 to boyfriend Reg Jones, and that she and Justin Timberlake were intimate from the beginning.

I find this all hard to believe. Britney Spears always has and always will compose herself as a lady. She’s a sophisticated connoisseur, devout animal lover, and philanthropist. In fact, I believe she’s still a virgin. I don’t even know where those kids came from. I’ll just assume that dastardly ruffian Kevin Federline purloined them from some unsuspecting couple. Fortunately Britney has delicately taken them under her wing and opened her home just like her role model Jesus of Nazareth would’ve done. Now those children can rest their heads peacefully knowing that they’re safe, loved, and free from danger.

NOTE: Yup, it’s official. If I ever had to run a Britney Spears fansite, I’d slam my head in an oven door until I lost consciousness. Ha ha! I’d smell like cookies.

Original post by Suzi