Brooke Hogan was spotted poolside in her bikini at a Miami hotel yesterday. While normally Brooke Hogan’s freakishly dude-like chin frightens and confuses me, she looks surprisingly do-able in these photos. Maybe it’s because her boobies are all asunder and they’ve been photographed from a safe distance. Kind of like how I’d have sex with Brooke Hogan: from 50 yards away and through the eye of a camera. While you do the math on that one, doesn’t Brooke like a frightened manatee trying to return to sea in this shot? Someone should make a children’s movie about her. It could be like Free Willy except with more man-face.

Original post by Suzi

Katie Price (a.k.a. Jordan the large chested, wonky-eyed Brit) is undergoing breast reduction surgery for Christmas, according to The Sun:

The former glamour girl, who was also showing off her new brown rinse, is going under the knife before Christmas to have a breast reduction for hubby PETER ANDRE.
She says the surgery will make them more “perky”.

I’m not a marriage counselor. But one time I chugged an entire Viking helmet full of beer. So close enough. Anyway, I always thought it went without saying that a breast reduction is the worst Christmas present any wife could get her husband – ever. I mean, besides telling him she’s pregnant. But, seriously, what is wrong with Peter Andre that he’d actually want this? Dude, if you’re tired of Katie’s gigantic cans, I’ll take her off your hands. That way you can have more time to spend with your glasses and hair gel. And, when I bring her back, that crazy eye will be back to normal. Don’t ask me how, but I’ll give you a hint: it’ll be from all the sex.

NOTE: I included pics from Katie’s launch of her new fragrance “Stunning.” Mostly because I’m impressed she’s actually making normal faces and, well, able to stand without tipping over.

Original post by Suzi

Britney Spears has once again demonstrated she’s a fucking terror behind the wheel. Us Magazine has obtained a video of Britney running three stop signs on Friday night:

Riding in her white Mercedes SL65 with her producer pal Sam Lutfi, the singer was on her way home from the Four Seasons in Beverly Hills when she zoomed through two signs. As she approached a third stop sign, she slowed but didn’t stop.

Okay, maybe “a fucking terror behind the wheel” was a little dramatic. She pretty much “California-rolled” her way through the signs which, c’mon, we all do. Except for me. I generally accelerate then fire my cannon into oncoming traffic. You know, because I drive a tank everywhere. Even to the bathroom. Although my roommate got a little pissed the other night when I plowed right through his bedroom causing his girlfriend to flee in terror moments before they had sex. But, hey, maybe next time he’ll think twice about eating the last Pop Tart; the son of a bitch.

Original post by Suzi

Tara Reid won’t reprise her role on Scrubs because supposedly she reeks like hell, according to NY Daily News:

Appearing at the New York Comedy Festival, show creator Bill Lawrence said Reid was his least favorite guest star - “not because she wasn’t a nice person,” but because she allegedly stank of booze and smokes.

I pretty much figured Tara Reid perpetually stinks of alcohol and cigarettes. Actually I’m kind of surprised that’s the only scent people noticed. I always assumed she smelled like a fish hatchery doused in gin. Only fishier. Hey, I’m just going by the fumes coming out of my hard drive after I downloaded these photos of Tara Reid. *sniff sniff* I’m detecting a subtle hint of melted rubber. Is she wearing a mini-skirt again? Aw, gross, she is. For the love of God, someone push her into a car wash and, I dunno, hope for the best.

Original post by Suzi

Cindy Crawford spent the holiday weekend in Maui with her family. For a 41-year-old woman, she looks pretty damn good. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I won’t make love to anything over the age of 25, but I’d probably make an exception for Cindy. Of course, she’d first have to tell me where she’s hidden the Fountain of Youth. You know, so I can dunk her in it a few times before the sexy stuff then smuggle the rest out in my canteen. I’m so dreamy.

Original post by Suzi

There’s no way in hell this can be true, but supposedly Britney Spears is adopting twins from China. She feels lonely from losing custody of her own children so she decided to get new ones. On top of that, Britney also dropped roughly $50,000 on her own funeral arrangements, according to a source for News of the World:

“It doesn’t seem that Britney has thought this through completely. Adoption and a funeral? The two don’t exactly go hand-in-hand.
“Paying for a funeral is a sensible thing to do—but not when you’re only 25!
“It’s a case of too much, too soon with Britney.
“Not a week goes by without something strange happening to her now. She’s doing herself no favours.”

Britney Spears isn’t allowed near her own kids, so I highly doubt the government is going to allow her to perform international adoption. In fact, I’m pretty sure our government is going to be a bit more vigilant with celebrities considering they failed to prevent exposing Paris Hilton to the world’s most dense population. Nice one. Way to let the Chinese army, largest in the world, have it burn when they pee. They’re going to be totally cool with that and not, I dunno, initiate World War III in a herpes-fueled rage or anything. It’s a good thing I built that porn bunker in my backyard. Not only did it effectively replace my ex-wife, but now it will save me from nuclear holocaust. Wow, porn bunker, is there anything you can’t do?

Original post by Suzi

Paris Hilton helped throw a lavish The Wizard of Oz-themed baby shower for Nicole Richie last weekend. InStyle magazine had exclusive rights to photos of the event, but soon pirated pics began to surface. A friend of Nicole blames Paris Hilton. Apparently all the leaked pictures have Paris right in the center as the star and “they look set up,” according to NY Daily News:

The pics, priced at around $3,000 to $4,000, did not sell since the celebrity tabloids closed early last week, due to Thanksgiving.
But in the opinion of our conspiracy theorist: “None of the money would have been for Paris — for her it’s about the attention.”

Paris Hilton will probably Photoshop her face over Nicole Richie’s vagina in the delivery photos. Though, this time, it won’t just be for the attention. It’ll be to prove that, yes; she can indeed birth a child through her giant whore mouth. You know, in case we were all wondering, which, I gotta admit, I totally was. I’m not afraid to tackle the tough questions. Like, can Amy Winehouse shoot flies out of her mouth just like that other mummy in that Brendan Fraser movie?

Original post by Suzi