Paris Hilton scoped out an office building in LA yesterday and felt that lingerie was appropriate outdoor attire. This, of course, allowed paparazzi to snap a shot of her panties. There’s nothing like seeing the thin layer of pink fabric that separates our world and Herpes Canyon. I wish she would wear something on her crotch a little more, I dunno, durable. Like the door to a bank vault. Or the hatch from a submarine.

NOTE: So I just noticed that she’s not wearing any underwear. Wow, uh, Merry Christmas?

Original post by Suzi

Brandon Routh married his fiancée Courtney Ford at producer Jon Peter’s ranch over the weekend. Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger created a “no-fly zone” over the area in honor of the occasion, but Superman Returns director Bryan Singer decided to be a dick about it, according to Page Six:

Bryan Singer pulled a “big Diana Ross diva move,” another wedding guest giggled, by “insisting on flying in on a helicopter.”

I’m going to let Bryan Singer slide on this one because he made a Superman movie that I can relate to. I’m talking about Superman knocking up Lois Lane then fleeing the planet. It’s exactly like the story of my own life complete with a messianic theme and a John William’s score. I can’t wait to watch it with my kid someday. If I ever decide we should finally meet because I want to borrow some of his student loan money.

Original post by Suzi

Amy Winehouse has cancelled the remainder of her tour dates. It was an expected announcement considering her poor performances which led to audience members walking out. She made the decision yesterday afternoon after a tearful meeting with her management, according to The Sun:

In a statement Amy, 24, said: “I can’t give it my all onstage without my Blake. I’m so sorry but I don’t want to do the shows half-heartedly; I love singing. My husband is everything to me and without him it’s just not the same.”

Dammit, and I had tickets. I was hoping to see Amy Winehouse forget the words to her own songs then snort coke out of her beehive. It was going to be a classy evening of a culture and music. I even bought one of those beer-can hats. Except I modified it to hold two bottles of Jack Daniels. I tested it out the other night. Legally, I’m not allowed to say how it went. Though my lawyer says the black box proved the chimp was flying the plane. So that’s who I got to play “Lost” with me. He must’ve been Matthew Fox and I was the mysterious smoke creature that pukes on flight attendants. I’ll admit; the monkey was right. That was the best drinking game I’ve ever played.

Original post by Suzi

Madonna plans to use her “star power” to help promote the U.S. release of her husband Guy Ritchie’s new movie Revolver. She’s planning a premiere with Howard Stern, Ivanka Trump and some other old people. Apparently the film didn’t do too well at the Toronto Film Festival in 2005. Since then it’s been retooled for all of us here in the colonies. NY Daily News reports:

A pal says the flick was marketed to British audiences as a comedic romp similar to Ritchie’s “Snatch” - but it left them confused by its more “cerebral” theme. (Or “pretentious style and fractured storytelling,” as The Hollywood Reporter sniffed.)

After the unbridled success of Swept Away, who better to help save Guy Ritchie’s film than Madonna? Jesus, are you kidding me? If I was Guy Ritchie, I wouldn’t even let her near the DVD player. I’d be like, “Hey, movie poison, get away from the TV. Don’t make me put down this sandwich. It’s filled with delicious ham, but I’ll still come over there and tangle with those freakish man arms. Wait, did you know you have a gap between your teeth? I just noticed it. Ha ha. Gross.”

Original post by Suzi

Kim Kardashian had an expensive amount of jewelry and other items stolen from her bag at JFK airport where she was flying from New York to Vegas. TMZ reports:

A source close to Kim tells TMZ that when several Delta employees asked for autographs and photos with her, items were somehow lifted from her bags. The items include $50,000 worth of diamond jewelry, a Cartier watch, and Kim’s laptop and digital camera — contents unknown!
Kim’s reps are looking into the possibility that she was set up by employees working for the airline.

It’s a pretty good chance Kim Kardashian takes pictures of her own ass while she’s in the shower, right? Don’t say “Yes” unless you really mean it. I couldn’t handle the disappointment if her camera turned out to be full of out-of-focus Macy’s Thanksgiving parade photos instead. If she’s too selfish to not photograph her spacious rear, at least have the decency to get a clearer shot of the Garfield balloon. Remember the time he ate lasagna? I peed my pants. Cat’s don’t eat people food!

Original post by Suzi

Linda Bollea, the wife of wrestler Hulk Hogan, is seeking half of the couple’s assets after filing for divorce last week. She also wants an unspecified amount in alimony and health insurance for their son Nick Bollea, according to People:

Linda is seeking to split the couple’s assets, which include the 17,000-square-foot Bel Air mansion where the family primarily lives and a 3,474-square-foot home in Clearwater Beach, Fla., as well as a condo under construction in Las Vegas. The two existing homes alone are worth nearly $9.5 million.

Linda has an obsession with houses which a source for Page Six says caused rifts in her marriage to the Hulkster:

“She just goes nuts and acts like Hulk has Tom Cruise money - when he doesn’t. She wanted to buy a $12 million house in LA, and when Hulk refused, she went ahead and rented a $35,000-a-month house. They already have four to five houses and she wants more?”

This is exactly why I’ll never get married. I don’t want some woman spending my hard-earned cash. I like things the way they are now. Where my girlfriend pays the rent and I steal money out of her purse to get drunk at the strip club while “looking for a job.” It’s an honest living. I don’t like to brag about it too much except to a couple/all of my guy friends, my parents and one time to my girlfriend. Wait, that’s why she put my Xbox in the oven. And here I thought the shoe store didn’t have her size or something. I dunno, I tend to drift in and out of consciousness whenever she talks. You know, because she completes me and had me at “hello” and [other romantic lines from Jerry Maguire here].

Original post by Suzi

Britney Spears will spend Christmas morning with her kids, a judge ruled yesterday. Britney and Kevin Federline were ordered to come up with a visitation plan for the holidays at their last hearing. Kevin had the children for Thanksgiving and it looks like Britney is getting them on Jesus’ birthday. NY Daily News reports:

“Kevin thinks it’s absolutely appropriate that they both get to see the kids over the holidays,” said Federline’s attorney Mark Vincent Kaplan.

What kind of gifts do you think Britney Spears bought her kids? All I can picture is used women’s razors in Burger King wrappers which will go well with the half-eaten chicken wing tree ornaments. These kids are going to grow up and beat the living snot out of a mall Santa. Of course, you would too if you were six and asked Santa for a bike, but instead you got a Duracell battery inside of a Twinkie.

Original post by Suzi