Kiefer Sutherland was officially booked this evening at the Glendale City Jail. He is to serve a 48-day sentence stemming from a September arrest for DUI. He petitioned the judge to allow him to serve in city jail instead of the infamous Twin Towers county facility where “jailers can’t guarantee the safety of high-profile inmates.” Kiefer was scheduled to start his sentence on his birthday December 21 which is when 24 begins its Christmas hiatus. Due to the writers strike, Kiefer decided to surrender early. TMZ reports:

TMZ spoke with Glendale Police Chief Randy Adams, who said Kiefer will be treated “just like anyone else,” adding, “The fact that he’s a celebrity — he checked that at the door when he checked in.” Chief Adams said Sutherland will perform laundry and kitchen duties and will serve the entire 48 days consecutively. The Chief said Kiefer will not share a cell, but that is S.O.P. in Glendeezy because all “long term inmates” get their own digs.

Hold on a minute. They’re going to make Kiefer Sutherland do laundry and kitchen duties? Maybe he should’ve gone with county prison. I know if I had a choice between doing the thankless chores God wants my wife to do or taking a shiv to the gut during a prison riot, I’d choose the shiv. A man should only do the dishes and laundry in college which is why I used paper plates and wore trash bags for shirts. I made those Hefty’s look hot.

Original post by Suzi

Britney Spears supposedly has a new man in her life named Robert. The two had a romantic rendezvous last night at the sexiest of locales. Yup, the gas station. I’m not even shocked that Britney finds unleaded fuel erotic. We’re slowly approaching the day when Britney finally caves and starts wearing a tin-foil hat. I bet she already has it made. She’s probably testing it out on her dog London. If aliens don’t brainwash him into being a responsible parent, she’s totally wearing that foil hat everywhere!

Original post by Suzi

Alicia Keys attended the 54th ONDA Awards in Barcelona, Spain. I have no idea what any of that means, but I’m sure it’s a fancy way of saying “watch the hot chick play the piano.” Does anyone think there’s something odd about the crotch of her pants? It’s almost like her vagina is trying to eat her clothes. Can they do that? If so, has NASA perfected the chain-mail condom yet? All they had to do was follow the blueprints I drew in pencil on a wet bar napkin. How hard is that?

Original post by Suzi

Alicia Keys attended the 54th ONDA Awards in Barcelona, Spain. I have no idea what any of that means, but I’m sure it’s a fancy way of saying “watch the hot chick play the piano.” Does anyone think there’s something odd about the crotch of her pants? It’s almost like her vagina is trying to eat her clothes. Can they do that? If so, has NASA perfected the chain-mail condom yet? All they had to do was follow the blueprints I drew in pencil on a wet bar napkin. How hard is that?

Original post by Suzi

Victoria Beckham sleeps in the buff, according to the latest issue of Elle magazine. Victoria says “I sleep naked. I’m going to be naked if I’m getting in bed with him [husband David Beckham] every night.” That would almost be hot if she weren’t entirely made of plastic. Victoria talked to Elle about her life and where she’s at now with the Spice Girls and designing clothes:

On somehow being a Spice Girl:
“It became very obvious from the start that I was never going to be the best singer or the best dancer or the best actress. I was never a ‘natural.’ You know, I’ve never been that good at anything, to be completely honest.”

On being a fashion designer:
“I work seven days a week. And I so love what I’m doing. I could go shopping all day, which is what a lot of people think that I do. That’s their perception-that I’m a miserable bitch and go shopping all day and boss David about.”

On finding out she’s popular on Halloween:
“Someone told me I’m going to feature big this year with the drag queens.” She loves this. “I’m so camp! I’m such a gay man trying to get out. I don’t give a shit what anybody thinks.”

“I’m such a gay man trying to get out.” Okay, I get it now. That’s why Tom Cruise is so obsessed with these people. It’s like a giant light bulb just went off above my head. That usually only happens when I realize the strip club is open 24/7 and has free chicken wings. *ding* Oh! There it is again. Looks I just solved the mystery of what’s for lunch. I wonder if Albert Einstein felt this smart after he did all that science stuff.

Original post by Suzi

Britney Spears is never seen without Sam Lufti by her side. He’s almost like one of her children. You know, if she had the maternal instincts to care for one. Anyway, friends of Britney have been concerned about Sam’s influence over her because he seems sort of shady. Well, not only is he a hustler, Sam has been known to use aliases such as Osama N. Lutti and Osamah N. Lutfi. He also has two restraining orders against him. Us Weekly reports:

On his 2005 restraining order:
Jumana Issa, a business acquaintance, claims Lutfi “harassed me repeatedly with obscene e-mails, offensive faxes, telephone voice mails (around 1 a.m. to 3 a.m.), out-of-control behavior and outrageous telephone hang-ups (around 15 to 30 a day).” In one fax, Lutfi scolded: “Peel yourself away from all the candy … and overhangin [sic] belly … and answer my e-mails.”

On his 2004 restraining order:
His former neighbor, Douglas Snoland, filed a similar complaint in 2004, alleging that Lutfi tried to kick down his front door when he suspected Snoland of having his car towed. Snoland also accused Lutfi of wanting to kill his 73-year-old disabled mother. In the complaint, Snoland accused Lutfi of saying: “I will beat your ass … Your mother is a f—–g old hag. You are a f—-t. You will regret the day you ever met me.”

On his alleged career as a producer:
He is listed as a producer of the 1998 B-movie Bug Buster on imdb.com. The movie’s actual producer and director, Lorenzo Doumani, says Lutfi was his $350-a-week assistant. “He was a hustler type, a fast-talking kid,” recalls Doumani.

And all this time I thought Britney’s rampant spending and alcohol abuse would lead to her financial ruin and potential death. Turns out her choice in friends will be the culprit. Wow, what a unique yet totally predictable twist. They should make a Lifetime movie out of this, so when my wife tries to make me watch it, I have legal grounds to file for divorce.

Original post by Suzi

Tara Reid is currently partying in Sydney where she’s trying to charge $25,000 to $30,000 for club appearances. Predictably no one went for it, according to Page Six:

She had to drop her inflated price to a bargain-basement fee of about $3,500 when nobody would bite, Sydney Confidential reports. The surgically-enhanced sexpot was most recently seen cavorting for cash at the taste-challenged gala called the Hookers Ball in Darwin.

Wow, what a bargain! For only $3,500 I can have my special event smell like a sewage plant drenched in Sambuca. Where do I sign?

NOTE: I included pictures of Tara shopping at Ed Hardy’s in Sydney where I’ll assume they had to burn the entire store afterwards. Along with part of the surrounding block. At this rate, I imagine the entire Australian outback should be ablaze my mid-afternoon.

Original post by Suzi